Just call me Twitchy
Aug. 15th, 2012 01:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lighterthanairTourette's has been getting worse lately. I knew when I was first diagnosed that there was no guarantee that the tics wouldn't change into something else. It started with head tics, occasional verbal tics. Now my head twitches almost constantly, my hands flex and twist like they're trying to shape themselves into something different, my arms draws up to my chest, and it's an effort of will not to let verbal tics out in public. Today, my hand flexing was so bad that I bit the bullet and just called the doctor. I had trouble typing at work, it was so bad.
I have an appointment for this afternoon.
I held off on telling the doctor this for so long because it seems like every time I go to him, I'm bringing him another life-disrupting problem that I'm going through. Delusion states, thyroid imbalances, depression/anxiety, menstrual problems. Now this. I worry that I'm going to go in there and report something else and one of these days he's going to look over his records and go, "How come this person keeps coming back all the time with these huge issues?" And I get afraid that, not for the first time, I'll be accused of making it up, or exaggerating it, trying to get attention, being a hypochondriac.
Which is also what I'm afraid of here, too, by the way. In some ways, I'm thankful that almost nobody reads this journal, because nearly everything on here lately is me bitching about work or worrying about my health.
But I can't keep going like this. Even if my tics are getting worse due to stress, then I need help finding ways to manage the stress. Or manage the symptoms until I can manage the stress. It's a stressful situation. I get stressed about getting so stressed that I have a tic explosing at work. It's a cyclical thing, a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it sucks major balls, and I don't know how to handle it.
So I do my best to put aside my fears when I've gotten fed up with staying silent, and I go to the doctor and see what he has to say.
My doctor is very fond of referrals. Or maybe it just seems that way because I seem to go there with things a GP can't diagnose offhand. (I don't go to the doctor with the sniffles, because I know what that is and how to treat it. The doctor can't do anything then.) I more than half expect to walk out of there with a referral note to go see the neurologist again, who originally diagnosed me with Tourette's almost a decade ago and whom I pretty much haven't seen since that day, because it wasn't this bad then.
I don't want to go through this shit. I want to manage my life. I want to be able to work properly and without constant interruption or fear of embarassment. I want to stop worrying about going to the doctor with big problems all the time.
Sometimes I think I want too many things.
I have an appointment for this afternoon.
I held off on telling the doctor this for so long because it seems like every time I go to him, I'm bringing him another life-disrupting problem that I'm going through. Delusion states, thyroid imbalances, depression/anxiety, menstrual problems. Now this. I worry that I'm going to go in there and report something else and one of these days he's going to look over his records and go, "How come this person keeps coming back all the time with these huge issues?" And I get afraid that, not for the first time, I'll be accused of making it up, or exaggerating it, trying to get attention, being a hypochondriac.
Which is also what I'm afraid of here, too, by the way. In some ways, I'm thankful that almost nobody reads this journal, because nearly everything on here lately is me bitching about work or worrying about my health.
But I can't keep going like this. Even if my tics are getting worse due to stress, then I need help finding ways to manage the stress. Or manage the symptoms until I can manage the stress. It's a stressful situation. I get stressed about getting so stressed that I have a tic explosing at work. It's a cyclical thing, a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it sucks major balls, and I don't know how to handle it.
So I do my best to put aside my fears when I've gotten fed up with staying silent, and I go to the doctor and see what he has to say.
My doctor is very fond of referrals. Or maybe it just seems that way because I seem to go there with things a GP can't diagnose offhand. (I don't go to the doctor with the sniffles, because I know what that is and how to treat it. The doctor can't do anything then.) I more than half expect to walk out of there with a referral note to go see the neurologist again, who originally diagnosed me with Tourette's almost a decade ago and whom I pretty much haven't seen since that day, because it wasn't this bad then.
I don't want to go through this shit. I want to manage my life. I want to be able to work properly and without constant interruption or fear of embarassment. I want to stop worrying about going to the doctor with big problems all the time.
Sometimes I think I want too many things.