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lighterthanairLast night, somebody told me I was inspirational.
This person said that they've followed my health problems when I post about them on Facebook but hasn't said anything because with health problems, there are a lot of things that a person can say wrong. But last night she took the time to tell me that she admires my strength through this, and my ability to get through it all has been inspirational.
I don't know what to say. I know she's not exaggerating or just being polite (because she's not the kind of person to just give lip service to social niceties unless she means them), and so I can conclude that she actually does mean what she says.
But... In truth, seeing what she's going through has actually been inspirational to me. She's had multiple surgeries lately, in far more pain than me and with far more limited ability, and I think that what I'm going through doesn't hold a candle to her ordeal, and so when things are hard, I remember that she's powered through far worse than this and so I can too.
And then to find out that she thinks that I've been an inspiration? I can't quite wrap my head around that.
Nor can I say I've handled this with grace and strength, not really. I've broken down repeatedly, as much from recovering as from the problem itself (I remember sobbing at work because I didn't know how I could go through another day of pain and heavy bleeding while still trying to keep doing my job more than once). I've been too weak to keep working. I've been angry and ranty and wished nasty consequences on the people who didn't take me seriously and allowed me to get worse for so long (Dr. S, I'm looking in your direction here).
My condition wasn't life-threatening. Well, I suppose it could have been, given about another year of ignoring things while I slowly bled out and the tumour kept growing at a disturbing rate, but I mean that the tumour wasn't malignant and I didn't have cancer. It affected my mobility and my energy and my ability to do much some days, but not more than what a lot of people I know go through on a daily basis, and have gone through for far longer. As hard as this has all been for me, it could have been a lot worse.
But then a voice in the back of my head (a non-negative voice, for once) tells me that I'm doing myself a disservice here, because what matters is that I did pull through and I did stick to my guns at last and demand surgery, and that I managed to put up with so much for so long and come out the other side with hopes of recovery. And even though that's not as much as some have to do, that's also more than many have to do. It's more than I've ever done before, and I'm still standing (not always easily, but still standing nevertheless). And someday it may happen that things get worse again and I can't draw on the strength of knowing I overcame it before, or maybe someday this very thing will happen to someone else and they can find my story and take courage from the fact that I made it through, or who knows what will happen?
I'm still healing, and I'm still in pain and my mobility and stamina have been shot to hell, but I'm still here, and I'm getting better every day. Maybe that is inspirational even to people who've gone through worse, because it's different than what they went through. Maybe it's inspirational because they know something of what I'm going through and can see strength behind it that I don't because they themselves know what it's like to have to be strong just to get through another day. Maybe it's inspirational because fuck, having someone cut into you is never fun no matter what the reason!
I don't know. But I'm flattered, and baffled, and more than a little humbled by her words.
This person said that they've followed my health problems when I post about them on Facebook but hasn't said anything because with health problems, there are a lot of things that a person can say wrong. But last night she took the time to tell me that she admires my strength through this, and my ability to get through it all has been inspirational.
I don't know what to say. I know she's not exaggerating or just being polite (because she's not the kind of person to just give lip service to social niceties unless she means them), and so I can conclude that she actually does mean what she says.
But... In truth, seeing what she's going through has actually been inspirational to me. She's had multiple surgeries lately, in far more pain than me and with far more limited ability, and I think that what I'm going through doesn't hold a candle to her ordeal, and so when things are hard, I remember that she's powered through far worse than this and so I can too.
And then to find out that she thinks that I've been an inspiration? I can't quite wrap my head around that.
Nor can I say I've handled this with grace and strength, not really. I've broken down repeatedly, as much from recovering as from the problem itself (I remember sobbing at work because I didn't know how I could go through another day of pain and heavy bleeding while still trying to keep doing my job more than once). I've been too weak to keep working. I've been angry and ranty and wished nasty consequences on the people who didn't take me seriously and allowed me to get worse for so long (Dr. S, I'm looking in your direction here).
My condition wasn't life-threatening. Well, I suppose it could have been, given about another year of ignoring things while I slowly bled out and the tumour kept growing at a disturbing rate, but I mean that the tumour wasn't malignant and I didn't have cancer. It affected my mobility and my energy and my ability to do much some days, but not more than what a lot of people I know go through on a daily basis, and have gone through for far longer. As hard as this has all been for me, it could have been a lot worse.
But then a voice in the back of my head (a non-negative voice, for once) tells me that I'm doing myself a disservice here, because what matters is that I did pull through and I did stick to my guns at last and demand surgery, and that I managed to put up with so much for so long and come out the other side with hopes of recovery. And even though that's not as much as some have to do, that's also more than many have to do. It's more than I've ever done before, and I'm still standing (not always easily, but still standing nevertheless). And someday it may happen that things get worse again and I can't draw on the strength of knowing I overcame it before, or maybe someday this very thing will happen to someone else and they can find my story and take courage from the fact that I made it through, or who knows what will happen?
I'm still healing, and I'm still in pain and my mobility and stamina have been shot to hell, but I'm still here, and I'm getting better every day. Maybe that is inspirational even to people who've gone through worse, because it's different than what they went through. Maybe it's inspirational because they know something of what I'm going through and can see strength behind it that I don't because they themselves know what it's like to have to be strong just to get through another day. Maybe it's inspirational because fuck, having someone cut into you is never fun no matter what the reason!
I don't know. But I'm flattered, and baffled, and more than a little humbled by her words.