I need to get this off my chest.
Jun. 3rd, 2013 09:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lighterthanairThis weekend, I had a large-scale panic attack and argument that resulted in an even larger panic attack. I'm not proud of half of what I said or did during them, but aside from spending a good portion of Saturday incapable of doing much but crying, I do feel a bit better for having said what I said.
It came on me because I've been bored and lonely. My roommate is at school for most of the day, meaning I spend from 7:30 AM until between 4 and 5 PM by myself. I'm still not capable of doing too much, so my day usually consists of reading, watching TV, and trying to get in as much walking to and from the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom as I can. I haven't had the brainpower to do much where video games are concerned, I don't have the strength or stamina (or bus fare) to go anywhere, and I haven't been able to sit up for very long without starting to hurt or get tired again. That puts paid to about 75% of the things I did before my surgery that kept me entertained when I was alone. Previously, if I wanted to go out, I went out. If I wanted to spend the day sitting at my laptop and writing, or playing an MMO, or just watching YouTube videos, I could do so. Now I can't. And it makes what I can do seem all the more stifling, because it's all I can do.
Add to that the fact that my roommate spent nearly all of last weekend hanging out with other friends, and had planned to do the same thing this Saturday... Yeah, it all culminated in me freaking out about having spent 2 weeks alone and bored most of the time, getting increasingly frustrated at all the things I can't do, and the prospect of spending another day pretty much entirely by myself was too much for me. I cracked. I panicked, we fought, and it wasn't pleasant.
In the end, my roommate spent the weekend with me. I feel guilty about that, because I know it was done because I inadvertantly backed her into an emotional corner; she wanted to be elsewhere and I know it. Not that she was completely opposed to spending time with me, but I know very well that she didn't want it to happen because I was too scared and frustrated to spend any more time alone, especially when I also had all this coming week of alone time to look forward to, too.
The panic still hasn't subsided. I'm already worried about next weekend. It wouldn't be fair of me to say, "By the way, still lonely, so please don't go away and leave me by myself again like that," especially after this weekend. But this week will be the same as always, me spending 9-10 hours of my awake time completely alone with limited ability to keep myself entertained, and I don't know if I can handle it for another day. But how is that fair to her? Essentially stopping her from spending time with other friends? And my perspective isn't the same; for her, life goes on as normal and because I'm home all the time, she doesn't get much leisure time away from me. I'm alone all day and really feeling it, but she isn't, so from her side of things, I can see why me asking for weekends together comes across as selfish, clingy, and I start to panic again just thinking that I might have to ask for that.
We talked about how I need to ask for these things before she makes other plans, so that she knows in advance what I need and what will happen and so that she doesn't already make plans and then have to cancel them and then it results in an argument because I didn't speak up soon enough.
What she always has trouble grasping is that I feel rude and selfish asking for this stuff, because I know I can be clingy, and again, the perspective thing. Me asking in advance for what I need means that accommodating me results in her not getting what she needs, or wants. And I don't feel that I have the right to ask that.
Also, aside from any emotional reasons, I don't always know when plans have been made until they've been made. Sometimes plans are made on Monday for her to get together with other people on Saturday. I don't find out that potential plans are being made, I find out that they have been made, and by then if I do feel the crunch and don't think I can be alone on that particular day, it's far too late to ask for help and I just cause an argument again no matter what I do. I either ask and find out it's too late and then suffer the guilt of knowing she had to cancel plans to stay with me, or I shut up and suffer in silence and try and get through the day and hope that the next day won't be the same thing all over again.
And this wouldn't be so bad if I could just do something. If I were strong enough to go out somewhere, to take a walk that's longer than 10 minutes of shuffling along. 10 minutes isn't an afternoon, and it does nothing to kill the boredom I feel over being alone for another day. I could try to hang out with everyone too, but I still have trouble doing anything for long periods, and I might be able to manage an hour before I'd have to go away, and then I'm right back where I started. Except even more upset, because I'm the one who has to leave because I can't handle more, and nobody comes with me because they don't have such limitations, so I get to sit there alone and feel that the fun's going on around me and my lack of presence doesn't actually affect anyone.
I never claimed not to have issues.
It's Monday, and I'm already worried about Saturday. And Sunday. And the next week. And the weekend after that. And I don't know if there's any point in even talking about it, because knowing my luck, I'll ask in advance for her to spend the weekend with me again but then I'll feel fine on Saturday and it'll be too late for her to make other plans!
I hate to say it, but I'm reaching the point where my negative mind tells me this would be easier if I lived alone. My roommate has been wonderful through this in many ways, helping me when I need help and making meals when I can't, but if I were alone, I'd be used to being alone. And even if I were lonely, well, there's a difference between feeling lonely because you're actually alone, and feeling lonely because someone went away and left you alone. Even if they didn't mean any maliciousness in leaving, even if you feel okay at first, it weighs you down, and you start to think that you're not just by yourself, but you were left by yourself, and there's a huge difference by my way of thinking.
Is it fair to ask if she'll spend just one full day with me this weekend? What if I choose the wrong day? What if we agree that Sunday will be my day but I feel the most lonely on Saturday precisely because she left? Again, at that point it'll be too late to change anything. And maybe the only reason I'd want company at that point is precisely because I didn't have it, because the feeling will only come strongly upon me because of being left rather than just being alone by default?
It doesn't help, either, that the weather has been just perfect lately to cause me more pain. Wet and humid weather seem to make the sutures inside me hurt, and judging by today's experiences, fog has the added effect of making the incision itself hurt, too. So when I'm alone and in pain, I really want company. Even if I know I'd be poor company, even if I know I'm not up to doing very much, I still don't want to be left alone, because it's at those times where I can't even distract myself with what little I can manage to do by myself.
But I don't exactly feel that it's fair to inflict my foul mood on anyone else, either.
My natural inclination, forged by years of reinforcement from many people, if to step aside. If I want something, it's not as important as what other people want. If I need something, it's not as important as what other people want. So I shouldn't be selfish, and I should step aside and not speak up, because my desires are less important than anyone else's. So even if I need to be around people, it's more important, in my mind, that I not inconvenience anyone, and that they get to do what they want to do rather than what I need them to do to help me. This is why I don't speak up when I need something, and why this all usually stays inside and festers and ends up exploding in arguments I don't want to have. I don't know the balance to strike. I don't know what's fair and what isn't. I only know what I want, and I know what I don't want to want, and what my mind is telling me that I shouldn't even think about wanting because it's selfish and bad and I have no right to it.
I know that things will be better when I get stronger, and I recovery more from the surgery. But until then, I have to spend every day fighting down the panic over the days to come, and then fighting down the panic of knowing that I wasted my time fighting down panic.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do, let alone what I should do.
I don't like being alone. My brain tells me I should be alone. And unlike my roommate, who has other friends to talk to and spend time with, I'll be blunt and say that I don't. I don't have the same outlets. I don't make friends easily, and I'm usually quite distrustful of new people for a long time. I rarely have anything in common with people, and when I do, I find that other people take that similar interest to a level I can't relate to. My roommate is one of the very few people I don't feel that around, and so when she's not there, I've got nothing and no one.
And again, even if I did, there's not much that can be done at the moment, because I'm not strong enough to spend hours talking to people online, and about 99% of the people I know I can relate to on more than a casual surface level don't live here. Online is the only place I can communicate with them. It's not like I can invite a couple of people over to kill my loneliness. I don't know anybody here, not anyone that I could properly call my friend. I pretty much have one option, and that option isn't always available.
And because that isn't the case on both sides, I feel like I end up needing far more than it's fair to ask her to provide.
I've managed to say this far more eloquently here than I did while arguing and trying to stutter and choke out things around sobs. I've managed to hit on some key points that I wasn't able to properly express before. I've managed to convey the stupid circular thought pattern that goes through my head every time this issue comes up. That's the best part about writing rather than talking. I can say what I need to say clearly, properly, without worrying about being interrupted or getting distracted by tangents or choosing the wrong words. I'm pretty bad at expressing myself in any clear way unless I'm taking the time to write it.
But even that leaves me at a cross-roads. I debated sending a link to this entry to my roommate, so that she could read it and hopefully understand what's going on a little bit better. Problem is that she's very good at picking up on what I don't say, and so I'm pretty sure that none of this is going to be some big revelation, or even a small revelation, and the reaction I get will pretty much be, "Yeah, I knew all of that." So what's the point? But then what if I said something that makes it all come together and provides a little more clarity into where I'm coming from and what I'm feeling? Do I risk a reaction of annoyance and frustration that I'm trying to continue the issue, or do I do what I've always done and stay silent on the matter because I don't know that any good will come out of me speaking my mind?
The only thing that I think this entry might be worth reading for is when I said that I feel there's a difference between being alone and being left alone. But again, the little voice in the back of my head says, "So what? You're going to be left alone sometimes. She can't always be around you. So you should just get used to it." Which brings me right back to the very thing that's caused problems in the past. That voice is right. She can't always be around. And I do need to get used to it. Which makes me not say anything when her going away does bother me, and when I do want company, because I think even she'd agree with that voice. But keeping silent about what I need or want results in arguments when I finally do let it out, or when she notices too many signs that I'm trying to keep hidden, and even if that doesn't happen I still spend lonely frustrating days by myself where I try my best to get on with life and it doesn't work so well, and again, by the time that happens it's too late to do anything about it. So what can I do except continue, because it's selfish and mean and weak to butt my head into someone else's gathering and say, "What about me?" I need to be stronger. I need to get used to being alone.
And this is where I start to want to cry because those are the thoughts that people keep telling me I'm not supposed to have! But one thing leads to another, and I keep getting offered conflicting pieces of advice by the same people, and I have no clue where to even start reconciling them.
1. I need to learn to deal with people not always being around me.
thus
2. I need to learn to deal with being alone.
rephrased
3. I need to get used to being alone.
How do you reconcile those points? One thing inevitably leads to another, they're practically paraphrasing each other, but the first is good while the last is bad. I really have no idea now to reconcile these things I'm being told. No idea where to start, and even less of an idea if it's even possible to do so in a healthy way. I think to myself that it must be, but how? Is the idea just to learn more things to keep myself entertained? What about times like now when that's not feasible?
Too many questions. Too many questions in this entry, and too few answers.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being bored, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of constantly worrying, I'm tired of having few things that I can do, and I'm tired of how it's affecting not only my life but the life of someone I care about. And all that tiredness leads to so much frustration, and me grasping at even the small things that might work, and when they run out of power I turn to the only thing I have left and just hope that I'm not asking too much. It's not like she's my first option for amusement. It's not like I don't try other things first.
But again, it comes back to that perspective issue. She doesn't see all the things I try to do during the day while she's at school. She doesn't quite feel the hours pressing down when I've exhausted all my options, and I myself am starting to feel exhausted and run-down, and when those weighty hours are every day, yes, I grasp at the only thing left that can keep me sane when all else is gone. And from her side of things, it may well look like she just walks through the door and then there I am, begging for her to entertain me, to keep me company, to not go away again. Because she's spent all day doing something, and with other people, and I've spent all day doing what little I can, by myself.
And by the time the weekend rolls around, I've spent 5 days almost entirely alone, with each thing I do becoming less and less appealing because I have to keep doing it or else just stare at the ceiling for hours, and the prospect of even just spending a day watching somebody else play a video game seems like a small slice of heaven. Because it's a change, and because if I say something aloud, I can get a response from a voice that isn't also my own. And when all I really have the energy to do at length is sit or lie on the couch, the prospect of spending the day with someone, someone who can bring some predictable unprodictability to my schedule, someone who can say and do things that surprise me and make me laugh, is amazing. And the thought of spending another day alone is crushing, because I know that it's the same thing as any other day past, and many other days ahead of me, and the only thing that's different about it is that I don't know if or when I'll get to have even a small bit of time interacting with someone before it's time to just go to sleep.
That's about all I have the energy to say. I've worn myself out, I need more painkillers, and I might very well need a nap at this point. I'm tired of being tired, too. Have I mentioned that yet?
It came on me because I've been bored and lonely. My roommate is at school for most of the day, meaning I spend from 7:30 AM until between 4 and 5 PM by myself. I'm still not capable of doing too much, so my day usually consists of reading, watching TV, and trying to get in as much walking to and from the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom as I can. I haven't had the brainpower to do much where video games are concerned, I don't have the strength or stamina (or bus fare) to go anywhere, and I haven't been able to sit up for very long without starting to hurt or get tired again. That puts paid to about 75% of the things I did before my surgery that kept me entertained when I was alone. Previously, if I wanted to go out, I went out. If I wanted to spend the day sitting at my laptop and writing, or playing an MMO, or just watching YouTube videos, I could do so. Now I can't. And it makes what I can do seem all the more stifling, because it's all I can do.
Add to that the fact that my roommate spent nearly all of last weekend hanging out with other friends, and had planned to do the same thing this Saturday... Yeah, it all culminated in me freaking out about having spent 2 weeks alone and bored most of the time, getting increasingly frustrated at all the things I can't do, and the prospect of spending another day pretty much entirely by myself was too much for me. I cracked. I panicked, we fought, and it wasn't pleasant.
In the end, my roommate spent the weekend with me. I feel guilty about that, because I know it was done because I inadvertantly backed her into an emotional corner; she wanted to be elsewhere and I know it. Not that she was completely opposed to spending time with me, but I know very well that she didn't want it to happen because I was too scared and frustrated to spend any more time alone, especially when I also had all this coming week of alone time to look forward to, too.
The panic still hasn't subsided. I'm already worried about next weekend. It wouldn't be fair of me to say, "By the way, still lonely, so please don't go away and leave me by myself again like that," especially after this weekend. But this week will be the same as always, me spending 9-10 hours of my awake time completely alone with limited ability to keep myself entertained, and I don't know if I can handle it for another day. But how is that fair to her? Essentially stopping her from spending time with other friends? And my perspective isn't the same; for her, life goes on as normal and because I'm home all the time, she doesn't get much leisure time away from me. I'm alone all day and really feeling it, but she isn't, so from her side of things, I can see why me asking for weekends together comes across as selfish, clingy, and I start to panic again just thinking that I might have to ask for that.
We talked about how I need to ask for these things before she makes other plans, so that she knows in advance what I need and what will happen and so that she doesn't already make plans and then have to cancel them and then it results in an argument because I didn't speak up soon enough.
What she always has trouble grasping is that I feel rude and selfish asking for this stuff, because I know I can be clingy, and again, the perspective thing. Me asking in advance for what I need means that accommodating me results in her not getting what she needs, or wants. And I don't feel that I have the right to ask that.
Also, aside from any emotional reasons, I don't always know when plans have been made until they've been made. Sometimes plans are made on Monday for her to get together with other people on Saturday. I don't find out that potential plans are being made, I find out that they have been made, and by then if I do feel the crunch and don't think I can be alone on that particular day, it's far too late to ask for help and I just cause an argument again no matter what I do. I either ask and find out it's too late and then suffer the guilt of knowing she had to cancel plans to stay with me, or I shut up and suffer in silence and try and get through the day and hope that the next day won't be the same thing all over again.
And this wouldn't be so bad if I could just do something. If I were strong enough to go out somewhere, to take a walk that's longer than 10 minutes of shuffling along. 10 minutes isn't an afternoon, and it does nothing to kill the boredom I feel over being alone for another day. I could try to hang out with everyone too, but I still have trouble doing anything for long periods, and I might be able to manage an hour before I'd have to go away, and then I'm right back where I started. Except even more upset, because I'm the one who has to leave because I can't handle more, and nobody comes with me because they don't have such limitations, so I get to sit there alone and feel that the fun's going on around me and my lack of presence doesn't actually affect anyone.
I never claimed not to have issues.
It's Monday, and I'm already worried about Saturday. And Sunday. And the next week. And the weekend after that. And I don't know if there's any point in even talking about it, because knowing my luck, I'll ask in advance for her to spend the weekend with me again but then I'll feel fine on Saturday and it'll be too late for her to make other plans!
I hate to say it, but I'm reaching the point where my negative mind tells me this would be easier if I lived alone. My roommate has been wonderful through this in many ways, helping me when I need help and making meals when I can't, but if I were alone, I'd be used to being alone. And even if I were lonely, well, there's a difference between feeling lonely because you're actually alone, and feeling lonely because someone went away and left you alone. Even if they didn't mean any maliciousness in leaving, even if you feel okay at first, it weighs you down, and you start to think that you're not just by yourself, but you were left by yourself, and there's a huge difference by my way of thinking.
Is it fair to ask if she'll spend just one full day with me this weekend? What if I choose the wrong day? What if we agree that Sunday will be my day but I feel the most lonely on Saturday precisely because she left? Again, at that point it'll be too late to change anything. And maybe the only reason I'd want company at that point is precisely because I didn't have it, because the feeling will only come strongly upon me because of being left rather than just being alone by default?
It doesn't help, either, that the weather has been just perfect lately to cause me more pain. Wet and humid weather seem to make the sutures inside me hurt, and judging by today's experiences, fog has the added effect of making the incision itself hurt, too. So when I'm alone and in pain, I really want company. Even if I know I'd be poor company, even if I know I'm not up to doing very much, I still don't want to be left alone, because it's at those times where I can't even distract myself with what little I can manage to do by myself.
But I don't exactly feel that it's fair to inflict my foul mood on anyone else, either.
My natural inclination, forged by years of reinforcement from many people, if to step aside. If I want something, it's not as important as what other people want. If I need something, it's not as important as what other people want. So I shouldn't be selfish, and I should step aside and not speak up, because my desires are less important than anyone else's. So even if I need to be around people, it's more important, in my mind, that I not inconvenience anyone, and that they get to do what they want to do rather than what I need them to do to help me. This is why I don't speak up when I need something, and why this all usually stays inside and festers and ends up exploding in arguments I don't want to have. I don't know the balance to strike. I don't know what's fair and what isn't. I only know what I want, and I know what I don't want to want, and what my mind is telling me that I shouldn't even think about wanting because it's selfish and bad and I have no right to it.
I know that things will be better when I get stronger, and I recovery more from the surgery. But until then, I have to spend every day fighting down the panic over the days to come, and then fighting down the panic of knowing that I wasted my time fighting down panic.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do, let alone what I should do.
I don't like being alone. My brain tells me I should be alone. And unlike my roommate, who has other friends to talk to and spend time with, I'll be blunt and say that I don't. I don't have the same outlets. I don't make friends easily, and I'm usually quite distrustful of new people for a long time. I rarely have anything in common with people, and when I do, I find that other people take that similar interest to a level I can't relate to. My roommate is one of the very few people I don't feel that around, and so when she's not there, I've got nothing and no one.
And again, even if I did, there's not much that can be done at the moment, because I'm not strong enough to spend hours talking to people online, and about 99% of the people I know I can relate to on more than a casual surface level don't live here. Online is the only place I can communicate with them. It's not like I can invite a couple of people over to kill my loneliness. I don't know anybody here, not anyone that I could properly call my friend. I pretty much have one option, and that option isn't always available.
And because that isn't the case on both sides, I feel like I end up needing far more than it's fair to ask her to provide.
I've managed to say this far more eloquently here than I did while arguing and trying to stutter and choke out things around sobs. I've managed to hit on some key points that I wasn't able to properly express before. I've managed to convey the stupid circular thought pattern that goes through my head every time this issue comes up. That's the best part about writing rather than talking. I can say what I need to say clearly, properly, without worrying about being interrupted or getting distracted by tangents or choosing the wrong words. I'm pretty bad at expressing myself in any clear way unless I'm taking the time to write it.
But even that leaves me at a cross-roads. I debated sending a link to this entry to my roommate, so that she could read it and hopefully understand what's going on a little bit better. Problem is that she's very good at picking up on what I don't say, and so I'm pretty sure that none of this is going to be some big revelation, or even a small revelation, and the reaction I get will pretty much be, "Yeah, I knew all of that." So what's the point? But then what if I said something that makes it all come together and provides a little more clarity into where I'm coming from and what I'm feeling? Do I risk a reaction of annoyance and frustration that I'm trying to continue the issue, or do I do what I've always done and stay silent on the matter because I don't know that any good will come out of me speaking my mind?
The only thing that I think this entry might be worth reading for is when I said that I feel there's a difference between being alone and being left alone. But again, the little voice in the back of my head says, "So what? You're going to be left alone sometimes. She can't always be around you. So you should just get used to it." Which brings me right back to the very thing that's caused problems in the past. That voice is right. She can't always be around. And I do need to get used to it. Which makes me not say anything when her going away does bother me, and when I do want company, because I think even she'd agree with that voice. But keeping silent about what I need or want results in arguments when I finally do let it out, or when she notices too many signs that I'm trying to keep hidden, and even if that doesn't happen I still spend lonely frustrating days by myself where I try my best to get on with life and it doesn't work so well, and again, by the time that happens it's too late to do anything about it. So what can I do except continue, because it's selfish and mean and weak to butt my head into someone else's gathering and say, "What about me?" I need to be stronger. I need to get used to being alone.
And this is where I start to want to cry because those are the thoughts that people keep telling me I'm not supposed to have! But one thing leads to another, and I keep getting offered conflicting pieces of advice by the same people, and I have no clue where to even start reconciling them.
1. I need to learn to deal with people not always being around me.
thus
2. I need to learn to deal with being alone.
rephrased
3. I need to get used to being alone.
How do you reconcile those points? One thing inevitably leads to another, they're practically paraphrasing each other, but the first is good while the last is bad. I really have no idea now to reconcile these things I'm being told. No idea where to start, and even less of an idea if it's even possible to do so in a healthy way. I think to myself that it must be, but how? Is the idea just to learn more things to keep myself entertained? What about times like now when that's not feasible?
Too many questions. Too many questions in this entry, and too few answers.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being bored, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of constantly worrying, I'm tired of having few things that I can do, and I'm tired of how it's affecting not only my life but the life of someone I care about. And all that tiredness leads to so much frustration, and me grasping at even the small things that might work, and when they run out of power I turn to the only thing I have left and just hope that I'm not asking too much. It's not like she's my first option for amusement. It's not like I don't try other things first.
But again, it comes back to that perspective issue. She doesn't see all the things I try to do during the day while she's at school. She doesn't quite feel the hours pressing down when I've exhausted all my options, and I myself am starting to feel exhausted and run-down, and when those weighty hours are every day, yes, I grasp at the only thing left that can keep me sane when all else is gone. And from her side of things, it may well look like she just walks through the door and then there I am, begging for her to entertain me, to keep me company, to not go away again. Because she's spent all day doing something, and with other people, and I've spent all day doing what little I can, by myself.
And by the time the weekend rolls around, I've spent 5 days almost entirely alone, with each thing I do becoming less and less appealing because I have to keep doing it or else just stare at the ceiling for hours, and the prospect of even just spending a day watching somebody else play a video game seems like a small slice of heaven. Because it's a change, and because if I say something aloud, I can get a response from a voice that isn't also my own. And when all I really have the energy to do at length is sit or lie on the couch, the prospect of spending the day with someone, someone who can bring some predictable unprodictability to my schedule, someone who can say and do things that surprise me and make me laugh, is amazing. And the thought of spending another day alone is crushing, because I know that it's the same thing as any other day past, and many other days ahead of me, and the only thing that's different about it is that I don't know if or when I'll get to have even a small bit of time interacting with someone before it's time to just go to sleep.
That's about all I have the energy to say. I've worn myself out, I need more painkillers, and I might very well need a nap at this point. I'm tired of being tired, too. Have I mentioned that yet?