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Feb. 20th, 2013 10:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lighterthanairKnow what's always bugged and baffled me about social dynamics, right from childhood? Let's say there's a group of kids playing tag, and I come along. I don't know the rules of tag. The kids are busy playing, and even if they notice me watching, it doesn't occur to them to stop and ask if I want to play and explain the rules. So I go away and don't play tag. And I'm the one told I need to make more of an effort to be friendly, and that I'm wrong when I assume that people didn't have an interest in me playing tag.
This seems to be a recurring motif in my life. I can't think of a single age range where this didn't happen, in some form. And then I get heaped with the blame for why other people don't want to hang out with me.
What brought this to mind lately is my roommate's interaction online with a bunch of mostly-mutual friends. (I say mostly mutual because one of them is mutual, one is that guy's wife, and the other two are friends of friends whom I've talked to maybe twice.) My roommate likes role-playing. Me, I like it but I'm not as into it as he is. But this group meets up and games, usually multiple times a week.
And I'm not a part of it.
Now part of it is by choice. I don't know the system, and I don't really have a character that would be suited to the system, based on what little I do know about it.
But the rest of it? I haven't been invited, for one thing, though if I've ever brought that up usually the long-standing excuse is, "We know you're not always social so we don't want to push you." But unfortunately, their idea of not wanting to push me comes across very much as them not giving a toss whether I'm around or not. Nobody's expressed an interest in me being there, and I can't help but think, when that happens, that it doesn't really matter. They'll play whether I'm there or not, and so if I'm not, what's the difference?
But I can't say this, to any of them, because the responsibility will, as it has in the past, get put on me to make more of an effort to tell them I want to be included.
Rather hard when the only time I know they're around is when they're gaming.
Which makes it hard for me to hang out with them at all, because I know very well that if I get on Skype to see them and I don't feel like gaming, I have two choices: 1) go away when they start to game, or 2) stay and let my presence stop them from gaming. Option 1 pretty much means that I may as well not have been on at all, and option 2 leaves me feeling terribly guilty, because me just being there stopped a group of people from doing what they wanted.
I've talked about this to my roommate, too. Usually it just ends up in a shouting match about how I need to speak up more, followed by a musing mention of how he wonders if I even understand how much being able to game means to him. Uh, yes, I do. That's why I don't get in your way when you want to do it, even if it leaves me feeling very lonely and left out.
They were meeting up last Thursday, to game. I mentioned, beforehand, that I'd considered going online to say hi, to hang out for a bit, but since I knew that it was pretty much going to be game night for them there really wasn't much point. My roommate's response to that? None. Just silence. How am I supposed to interpret that? That I'm right? That my roommate thought I was fishing for him to say, "No, come online, we won't game tonight so we can hang out with you"? Like I was fishing for an invitation.
When you get this reaction enough through your life, you start to come to the conclusion that the best thing for everyone involved is just to stay out of everyone's way and let them do their thing and not get in the way of it. Even if it means arguments, accusations, getting told that I'm the one at fault for not making more of an effort.
Why does it always have to be me that makes the effort, hmm? Why can't I hear one day that, "Hey, the guys don't feel like gaming, so do you want to come online and just hang out for a while?" I know there've been times where they were going to game but just didn't, but that never happens, and I still somehow the one at fault for not making the effort to hang out more.
I wonder, are they actually so afraid of pushing me to be social that they don't know they're leaving me out instead? The group of friends online, I can maybe see that. But my roommate? I've told him. I've told him more than once that I feel that way and yet he's usually the first to accuse me of not trying enough, not telling people what I need. Well, I do. I have. And it's made no difference.
Much like with my parents, plans with me seem to be the first thing to be put aside, and I seem to be expected not to feel any annoyance over this. And if I do express annoyance, I'm acting selfish.
To some degree, it is selfishness. I want to play tag. I don't want to always stand on the sidelines, watching but never participating. I want someone to express, "Hey, do you want to play with us?" I want to be included. Hell, sometimes I want people to stop playing tag and just come over and talk with me, express that they know I'm there and that I matter. I want to be included. And I don't want to be blamed for other people's actions and inactions, especially when I've already tried to do what they suggest.
I wonder what the next excuse will be. That I didn't try hard enough? That in spite of me expressing that I feel lonely and left out and that I needed something else at the time, that I didn't express myself enough?
Actually, I shouldn't make that bitter joke. It's happened. It happened a few weeks ago, when the gaming session ran later than he told me it was going to and I was sick and tired and couldn't go to bed because of the noise, and I got angry and asked if they'd be done soon, and when they finally were, I got in an argument because I was angry. I accused him right back of not giving me the respect enough to actually finish things when he said he would, and that as always, I didn't break in sooner and tell him to pack it in because I was trying to be unselfish and let him have what I know he needs to relax and have fun, but when it got to be too much and I did express that, it was like I got punished for doing exactly what I was told.
Rinse and repeat. It's happened like this countless times since childhood. Some with literal childhood games, like tag. Some with social events, where someone else misunderstood what I said and them blamed me for years for not clarifying (I had no idea at the time that there was a misunderstanding, but believe you me, I felt the sting of being left out when that person decided to get revenge). This stuff. It seems to be a pattern. Other people do stuff that doesn't include me, and then blame me for not trying harder to be included.
I'm tired of it. Really fucking tired. Tired to tears, and sick of the arguments it causes when I bother to speak out. Sometimes it seems like other people genuinely want me to tell them when something is wrong, but then resent it when I do because it means they have to do something different, or take responsibility for their actions or negligence.
I've talked to my roommate about this numerous times. Maybe that's just not enough. Maybe I need to inform the others, too. I know my roommate's tried to do that, or maybe just ranted to them about our arguments; I don't know all the details. And they're notoriously hard to get ahold of, which doesn't make it any easier. But for all I know, my roommate may have bleglected to mention at all to them that I'm feeling left out. Maybe the reason I never get invited to do anything isn't because they don't want me around, but because he can't be bothered to interrupt the chance of a game to step into the next room and tell me something, knowing that I'll know if that happens then I'm interrupting game. I don't know if that would be a selfless act or selfish. On one hand, he knows I feel guilty about getting in the way, and not telling me means I don't feel guilty. On the other hand, potentially very selfish because he knows my presence does get in the way, and he doesn't want to deal with that.
I don't know. But maybe talking to one person about this isn't enough, and hoping they'll eventually remember something isn't going to cut it. Maybe I need to lay my cards out on the table and say, "Guys, I know you mean well, but you're lack of pressure has gone over to the other side and now I feel like I'm just not wanted."
I expect to hurt people over this. I usually do. But at the same time as not wanting to bear all the blame, I'm also tired of being the only one hurt. Maybe it's time someone else felt a little guilty for what they're doing, too.
This seems to be a recurring motif in my life. I can't think of a single age range where this didn't happen, in some form. And then I get heaped with the blame for why other people don't want to hang out with me.
What brought this to mind lately is my roommate's interaction online with a bunch of mostly-mutual friends. (I say mostly mutual because one of them is mutual, one is that guy's wife, and the other two are friends of friends whom I've talked to maybe twice.) My roommate likes role-playing. Me, I like it but I'm not as into it as he is. But this group meets up and games, usually multiple times a week.
And I'm not a part of it.
Now part of it is by choice. I don't know the system, and I don't really have a character that would be suited to the system, based on what little I do know about it.
But the rest of it? I haven't been invited, for one thing, though if I've ever brought that up usually the long-standing excuse is, "We know you're not always social so we don't want to push you." But unfortunately, their idea of not wanting to push me comes across very much as them not giving a toss whether I'm around or not. Nobody's expressed an interest in me being there, and I can't help but think, when that happens, that it doesn't really matter. They'll play whether I'm there or not, and so if I'm not, what's the difference?
But I can't say this, to any of them, because the responsibility will, as it has in the past, get put on me to make more of an effort to tell them I want to be included.
Rather hard when the only time I know they're around is when they're gaming.
Which makes it hard for me to hang out with them at all, because I know very well that if I get on Skype to see them and I don't feel like gaming, I have two choices: 1) go away when they start to game, or 2) stay and let my presence stop them from gaming. Option 1 pretty much means that I may as well not have been on at all, and option 2 leaves me feeling terribly guilty, because me just being there stopped a group of people from doing what they wanted.
I've talked about this to my roommate, too. Usually it just ends up in a shouting match about how I need to speak up more, followed by a musing mention of how he wonders if I even understand how much being able to game means to him. Uh, yes, I do. That's why I don't get in your way when you want to do it, even if it leaves me feeling very lonely and left out.
They were meeting up last Thursday, to game. I mentioned, beforehand, that I'd considered going online to say hi, to hang out for a bit, but since I knew that it was pretty much going to be game night for them there really wasn't much point. My roommate's response to that? None. Just silence. How am I supposed to interpret that? That I'm right? That my roommate thought I was fishing for him to say, "No, come online, we won't game tonight so we can hang out with you"? Like I was fishing for an invitation.
When you get this reaction enough through your life, you start to come to the conclusion that the best thing for everyone involved is just to stay out of everyone's way and let them do their thing and not get in the way of it. Even if it means arguments, accusations, getting told that I'm the one at fault for not making more of an effort.
Why does it always have to be me that makes the effort, hmm? Why can't I hear one day that, "Hey, the guys don't feel like gaming, so do you want to come online and just hang out for a while?" I know there've been times where they were going to game but just didn't, but that never happens, and I still somehow the one at fault for not making the effort to hang out more.
I wonder, are they actually so afraid of pushing me to be social that they don't know they're leaving me out instead? The group of friends online, I can maybe see that. But my roommate? I've told him. I've told him more than once that I feel that way and yet he's usually the first to accuse me of not trying enough, not telling people what I need. Well, I do. I have. And it's made no difference.
Much like with my parents, plans with me seem to be the first thing to be put aside, and I seem to be expected not to feel any annoyance over this. And if I do express annoyance, I'm acting selfish.
To some degree, it is selfishness. I want to play tag. I don't want to always stand on the sidelines, watching but never participating. I want someone to express, "Hey, do you want to play with us?" I want to be included. Hell, sometimes I want people to stop playing tag and just come over and talk with me, express that they know I'm there and that I matter. I want to be included. And I don't want to be blamed for other people's actions and inactions, especially when I've already tried to do what they suggest.
I wonder what the next excuse will be. That I didn't try hard enough? That in spite of me expressing that I feel lonely and left out and that I needed something else at the time, that I didn't express myself enough?
Actually, I shouldn't make that bitter joke. It's happened. It happened a few weeks ago, when the gaming session ran later than he told me it was going to and I was sick and tired and couldn't go to bed because of the noise, and I got angry and asked if they'd be done soon, and when they finally were, I got in an argument because I was angry. I accused him right back of not giving me the respect enough to actually finish things when he said he would, and that as always, I didn't break in sooner and tell him to pack it in because I was trying to be unselfish and let him have what I know he needs to relax and have fun, but when it got to be too much and I did express that, it was like I got punished for doing exactly what I was told.
Rinse and repeat. It's happened like this countless times since childhood. Some with literal childhood games, like tag. Some with social events, where someone else misunderstood what I said and them blamed me for years for not clarifying (I had no idea at the time that there was a misunderstanding, but believe you me, I felt the sting of being left out when that person decided to get revenge). This stuff. It seems to be a pattern. Other people do stuff that doesn't include me, and then blame me for not trying harder to be included.
I'm tired of it. Really fucking tired. Tired to tears, and sick of the arguments it causes when I bother to speak out. Sometimes it seems like other people genuinely want me to tell them when something is wrong, but then resent it when I do because it means they have to do something different, or take responsibility for their actions or negligence.
I've talked to my roommate about this numerous times. Maybe that's just not enough. Maybe I need to inform the others, too. I know my roommate's tried to do that, or maybe just ranted to them about our arguments; I don't know all the details. And they're notoriously hard to get ahold of, which doesn't make it any easier. But for all I know, my roommate may have bleglected to mention at all to them that I'm feeling left out. Maybe the reason I never get invited to do anything isn't because they don't want me around, but because he can't be bothered to interrupt the chance of a game to step into the next room and tell me something, knowing that I'll know if that happens then I'm interrupting game. I don't know if that would be a selfless act or selfish. On one hand, he knows I feel guilty about getting in the way, and not telling me means I don't feel guilty. On the other hand, potentially very selfish because he knows my presence does get in the way, and he doesn't want to deal with that.
I don't know. But maybe talking to one person about this isn't enough, and hoping they'll eventually remember something isn't going to cut it. Maybe I need to lay my cards out on the table and say, "Guys, I know you mean well, but you're lack of pressure has gone over to the other side and now I feel like I'm just not wanted."
I expect to hurt people over this. I usually do. But at the same time as not wanting to bear all the blame, I'm also tired of being the only one hurt. Maybe it's time someone else felt a little guilty for what they're doing, too.