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You bleed just to know you're alive
Dec. 4th, 2012 09:29 amNot quite riding the same high that I did last week, which is a shame because I miss feeling that way. It was a rush, and made me understand a little bit why people will chase after that same feeling using drugs and alcohol. When you feel good, you want to keep feeling good, and getting that feeling back when it's gone seems paramount.
On the other hand, I may not be feeling the same high, may have levelled out some, but I still feel good. I'm still riding my confidence, still feeling inspired, still feeling capable of doing more without suffering terribly from it the next day. Or the next week. Or forever. I can actually carry on small-talk conversations with strangers without that crippling fear that they're going to judge me based on whatever I say. I'm still singing my heart out in the mornings. I'm still planning on actually letting other people hearme sing. I've wanted to do things, go places, try stuff.
I want to say, "I haven't felt this since..." but when I think about it, I just plain haven't felt this. The closest was shortly after high school, when I was still on the rollercoaster of manic depression, and I'd go through the amazing highs followed by lows so powerful they dominated my world... until the next high hit. And I keep wondering when everything's going to come crashing down around me and the low is going to hit. But my cycles back then seemed to be daily things, sometimes switching more than once a day. No period of high or low ever lasted for two weeks. Ever. My life would suck because I had a terrible home life or didn't like my job, then my life was so awesome because I found a cheap copy of a video game I wanted. You can see it in old LiveJournal posts I made at the time. Effing rollercoaster.
I feel, for the first time in memory, like I really want to become what I am, if that makes sense. Before, it was all just, "This is life, and sure I guess I've got some talents, but I'm never going to get where I want or be what I want so I may as well just learn to settle." I tried on a few different identities, which weren't as harmful as constantly wearing the mask to go out in public but they never really stuck. I was in a rut, only I didn't recognize it, because I'm terrible at recognizing stress and other negative emotions (side effect of living with them for so long that they become normal, I think, and so not worthy of note).
But now, I actually feel motivated. I know who I am inside, I know what I should be and what I want to be, and the fact that I'll never achieve that perfectly... Why should that mean I shouldn't even try? So I'll never be skinny (slight, really, is what I would love my body type to be, but that's not going to happen) and androgynous naturally. That doesn't mean I shouldn't work to lose excess weight and experiment with a few looks to get closer to what I feel. So I'll never be famous and have the world screaming my name when I sing. No reason I can't sing anyway, any love it simply because I love it. I'll never be rich, but why does that mean I shouldn't find something that pays that I love doing?
It's like I was stopping before I even started, coming up with excuses not to do a thing because I couldn't do it perfectly, expertly. And it was holding me back and holding me down, and I'm tired of living that way. I want to be me.
So I'm starting.
Come the new year, I'm joining Weight Watchers. My father has offered to pay for 6 months for me as a Christmas gift, for which I'm very grateful. I've heard a lot of success stories from friends who've done that program, and as much as I've come to accept a lot more about myself, I still know that there are improvements to be made. Both for health and image (hard to rock the androgynous looks when you've got so many damn curves everywhere).
I'm going to work at my music and recover the strength of voice that I used to have. Songs (or at least snippets of songs) have been coming to me hard and fast lately, and I've been writing down every bit that comes to mind, whether or not I'll use them later. For some, the only thing I'm missing is, well, other musicians who know how to play actual instruments. But maybe in time I'll find what I need, especially when I've gotten other things sorted out.
I like this me that I'm finally dealing with.
On the other hand, I may not be feeling the same high, may have levelled out some, but I still feel good. I'm still riding my confidence, still feeling inspired, still feeling capable of doing more without suffering terribly from it the next day. Or the next week. Or forever. I can actually carry on small-talk conversations with strangers without that crippling fear that they're going to judge me based on whatever I say. I'm still singing my heart out in the mornings. I'm still planning on actually letting other people hearme sing. I've wanted to do things, go places, try stuff.
I want to say, "I haven't felt this since..." but when I think about it, I just plain haven't felt this. The closest was shortly after high school, when I was still on the rollercoaster of manic depression, and I'd go through the amazing highs followed by lows so powerful they dominated my world... until the next high hit. And I keep wondering when everything's going to come crashing down around me and the low is going to hit. But my cycles back then seemed to be daily things, sometimes switching more than once a day. No period of high or low ever lasted for two weeks. Ever. My life would suck because I had a terrible home life or didn't like my job, then my life was so awesome because I found a cheap copy of a video game I wanted. You can see it in old LiveJournal posts I made at the time. Effing rollercoaster.
I feel, for the first time in memory, like I really want to become what I am, if that makes sense. Before, it was all just, "This is life, and sure I guess I've got some talents, but I'm never going to get where I want or be what I want so I may as well just learn to settle." I tried on a few different identities, which weren't as harmful as constantly wearing the mask to go out in public but they never really stuck. I was in a rut, only I didn't recognize it, because I'm terrible at recognizing stress and other negative emotions (side effect of living with them for so long that they become normal, I think, and so not worthy of note).
But now, I actually feel motivated. I know who I am inside, I know what I should be and what I want to be, and the fact that I'll never achieve that perfectly... Why should that mean I shouldn't even try? So I'll never be skinny (slight, really, is what I would love my body type to be, but that's not going to happen) and androgynous naturally. That doesn't mean I shouldn't work to lose excess weight and experiment with a few looks to get closer to what I feel. So I'll never be famous and have the world screaming my name when I sing. No reason I can't sing anyway, any love it simply because I love it. I'll never be rich, but why does that mean I shouldn't find something that pays that I love doing?
It's like I was stopping before I even started, coming up with excuses not to do a thing because I couldn't do it perfectly, expertly. And it was holding me back and holding me down, and I'm tired of living that way. I want to be me.
So I'm starting.
Come the new year, I'm joining Weight Watchers. My father has offered to pay for 6 months for me as a Christmas gift, for which I'm very grateful. I've heard a lot of success stories from friends who've done that program, and as much as I've come to accept a lot more about myself, I still know that there are improvements to be made. Both for health and image (hard to rock the androgynous looks when you've got so many damn curves everywhere).
I'm going to work at my music and recover the strength of voice that I used to have. Songs (or at least snippets of songs) have been coming to me hard and fast lately, and I've been writing down every bit that comes to mind, whether or not I'll use them later. For some, the only thing I'm missing is, well, other musicians who know how to play actual instruments. But maybe in time I'll find what I need, especially when I've gotten other things sorted out.
I like this me that I'm finally dealing with.
