A rough day.
Sep. 27th, 2013 08:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lighterthanairSo my workplace decided they were going to run a leadership skills development course, and asked for interested names. I submitted my name because I've always wanted to be in leadership, and I made a point of telling them that now my health was getting back on track, I wanted to put all of that mess behind me and move on with my life and career. I've been there since the centre opened, and sure, I haven't been there for the whole time, but they've seen me help people, they've heard other workers compliment me, and since I got back, my stats have been higher than ever before. I figured I had a fighting chance.
I didn't get selected.
The people who did get selected are people who have already started taking extra duties, floor-walking, mentoring, openers and closers, people who have already demonstrated that they're willing and able to put in the extra effort that it takes and so they're seen as a good investment for building skills that might make them solid assets to the company. And I don't begrudge them that at all. Most of them I know, and I know they'll be good in their roles.
But it really slapped me in the face that putting ill health behind me isn't as easy as I thought it would be. These people spent the last six months working on their skills, showing their stuff to management. I spent the last six months trying to regain my breath after walking up a single flight of stairs, trying to stay awake when I had no energy, getting hospitalized, recovering from surgery. My life came to a standstill. Theirs didn't.
That fucking tumour stole time from me that I'm never going to get back. And I feel less like I have to move forward from where I left off and more like I have to claw my way back to where I think I left off, because in reality I was sliding backward the whole time. I lost 6 months for sure. I lost even more time when you consider that I was constantly in and out of work for much longer because I kept pushing myself too hard and my weakening body would sometimes just stop and tell me this whole "trying to exist as a normal person" thing just wasn't going to work.
It's time I won't get back. It's life I won't get back. And it just hit me yesterday how much time I lost. How many opportunities I either missed or had to pass over because I just wasn't capable of doing them. I feel like I have to work twice as hard as anyone else now just to prove that I'm healthy and capable of advancing.
It didn't escape my notice that two other people with health problems got passed over for the course, too, even though they've also taken on additional duties and one of them even has training and supervisory experience.
I tried to talk to one of my coworkers about it. How frustrated it made me feel. When he wasn't talking over me about how he lost his chance, and I said flat out that I felt like the tumour stole my life away, things got suddenly quiet, and I started to cry. I got up and ran to the bathroom to hide until it had passed, and there was no more talk about it after that.
I spent most of yesterday getting frustrated and trying not to break down into tears again. It was then that I made the decision, finally, to get counseling for this. I need help getting through everything that happened. I can't do it with only the resources I have. I need guidance, and I need support, and I need to be able to put this mess behind me so that I can actually start moving forward the way I feel I should be.
Nobody told me that getting my health back would be just as hard, but in different ways, as being sick in the first place. Nobody prepped me for it. Hell, I barely got any prep from my doctor about what to expect physically while I was recovering from surgery, let alone emotionally. And some of what she did tell me was flat-out wrong. This is the stuff that gets glossed over, ignored, until it all comes crashing down and you're left in a pile on the floor, thinking that you're weak and stupid and why the hell are you crying anyway, you're healthy again, you should be happy, you're just malingering and want attention because there's clearly nothing wrong with you, you idiot.
So I sent a message to a local counseling place, asking for info and rates. I hate having to do it, but I know I need to. I can't just sit back and say that I want to get better while doing nothing about it. To get help, I have to ask for it, accept it, and really work at it. Maybe then I can actually get back to where I left off in my life and start moving forward, instead of feeling like I'm just going 2 steps forward and 1 step back all the time.
I didn't get selected.
The people who did get selected are people who have already started taking extra duties, floor-walking, mentoring, openers and closers, people who have already demonstrated that they're willing and able to put in the extra effort that it takes and so they're seen as a good investment for building skills that might make them solid assets to the company. And I don't begrudge them that at all. Most of them I know, and I know they'll be good in their roles.
But it really slapped me in the face that putting ill health behind me isn't as easy as I thought it would be. These people spent the last six months working on their skills, showing their stuff to management. I spent the last six months trying to regain my breath after walking up a single flight of stairs, trying to stay awake when I had no energy, getting hospitalized, recovering from surgery. My life came to a standstill. Theirs didn't.
That fucking tumour stole time from me that I'm never going to get back. And I feel less like I have to move forward from where I left off and more like I have to claw my way back to where I think I left off, because in reality I was sliding backward the whole time. I lost 6 months for sure. I lost even more time when you consider that I was constantly in and out of work for much longer because I kept pushing myself too hard and my weakening body would sometimes just stop and tell me this whole "trying to exist as a normal person" thing just wasn't going to work.
It's time I won't get back. It's life I won't get back. And it just hit me yesterday how much time I lost. How many opportunities I either missed or had to pass over because I just wasn't capable of doing them. I feel like I have to work twice as hard as anyone else now just to prove that I'm healthy and capable of advancing.
It didn't escape my notice that two other people with health problems got passed over for the course, too, even though they've also taken on additional duties and one of them even has training and supervisory experience.
I tried to talk to one of my coworkers about it. How frustrated it made me feel. When he wasn't talking over me about how he lost his chance, and I said flat out that I felt like the tumour stole my life away, things got suddenly quiet, and I started to cry. I got up and ran to the bathroom to hide until it had passed, and there was no more talk about it after that.
I spent most of yesterday getting frustrated and trying not to break down into tears again. It was then that I made the decision, finally, to get counseling for this. I need help getting through everything that happened. I can't do it with only the resources I have. I need guidance, and I need support, and I need to be able to put this mess behind me so that I can actually start moving forward the way I feel I should be.
Nobody told me that getting my health back would be just as hard, but in different ways, as being sick in the first place. Nobody prepped me for it. Hell, I barely got any prep from my doctor about what to expect physically while I was recovering from surgery, let alone emotionally. And some of what she did tell me was flat-out wrong. This is the stuff that gets glossed over, ignored, until it all comes crashing down and you're left in a pile on the floor, thinking that you're weak and stupid and why the hell are you crying anyway, you're healthy again, you should be happy, you're just malingering and want attention because there's clearly nothing wrong with you, you idiot.
So I sent a message to a local counseling place, asking for info and rates. I hate having to do it, but I know I need to. I can't just sit back and say that I want to get better while doing nothing about it. To get help, I have to ask for it, accept it, and really work at it. Maybe then I can actually get back to where I left off in my life and start moving forward, instead of feeling like I'm just going 2 steps forward and 1 step back all the time.
