Worth the risks

I've been having fun with trying to put my life in order. A little too much fun. And I can't just blamethank the caffeine because I haven't had any for two days. Looks like this mood boost is more due to a mental shift than legal stimulants, which makes me happier still.

I'm taking steps, and it's awesome. I've spent the past three mornings singing my heart out, which so far is giving me a bit of a rough throat because I'm not as used to constant singing as I used to be, and on the last song of my personal set this morning my voice broke hideously when I tried to hit an ending high note. As I said on Facebook, it sounded like I was trying to squeeze a toad to death. More warm-ups next time, I think, and maybe not so many vigorous songs until I've had some tea. Or at least until I've made some tea. Urban Zen's apple green tea is a great way to start the morning, and really soothing, but it doesn't seem to penetrate deep enough to really fix where the problem is.

But fewer voice breakings will come with time and practice.

Still working on lyrics, and writing down snippets of whatever comes to me. Whether or not I'll end up using anything I jot down is another matter.

Yes, I'm actually taking the plunge here. I'm going to take the advice of a friend and actually put my songs out there for others to listen to. I've envied others for people able to do that, for having the courage to do it. I watch and listen to professional musicians with envy, thinking to myself that I know I can do their songs, hit those notes, sing well enough. And I just never have. Why? Because I'm a coward. Because I'm too afraid of recording a song and letting the world listen and then having people I know come up to me and say, "Hey, so I heard your song." I don't want them to know what I can do because then they can judge it, and they can judge it badly, and I can face rejection.

Wait, scratch it all. Change the verbs to past tense.

I'm tired of being afraid of that. I'm tired of keeping all I can do inside because I'm too afraid of what people might think if they know what I can do. I'm tired of living in envy of the people who took that step and are doing what they love while I sit in an office taking phone calls all day, waiting for my shift to end so I can have a little bit of freedom before I start it all over again.

Want to know what I've figured out? When you have a hobby, a passion, and you let it out and work with it, mundane work stops being such a chore. Before, work was the thing that consumed my day, made me hate it and myself for doing it, and the only relief came when the day ended and I didn't have to be there, so then I'd go home and sit on my ass and dread having to go back the next day. Now, it's different. It's a thing that takes up my time, sure, but it's more like a minor annoyance that just happens to interrupt me from doing the things I love. I still get annoyed by it, but I don't suffer through it the way I used to. It's not a dark consuming terrible thing that exists solely to devour my soul. It's a thing. I do it. Then I go away and enjoy myself and actually feel like I'm living life for a while.

I don't ever want to lose this feeling. And if not losing it means I work at my music and put what I do in front of others and let them judge it, then so be it. It's worth it. Even if I try and I crash and burn, it'll have been worth it to have lived like that for a while, to know what life is supposed to be about, and to say that I tried, I followed my heart and did what I love.

It's a work in progress. But it's a damn fun one, and I don't regret what I'm trying to do.

So it's not so annoying that right now, I have to take a little break from my singing to actually go to work. Sure, I wish I could stay home all day and work my voice like I've done the past couple of days, but a nice deposit in my bank account reminds me why I really can't. *chuckle*