Updates, and worries
Sep. 19th, 2012 09:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lighterthanairI had my first session of grief counseling yesterday. I think it's going to be beneficial, but hard as fuck. I cried. Crying is expected. Nobody attaches shame to it. And it's admitted to be a lot of hard emotional work. And I know I can face that, and that I'll be better off for it, but what worries me is having to go straight to work after my weekly session is done.
I'm still carrying around a lot of baggage where work is concerned. Even though they've been leaving me alone for a while, I still worry that unless I present myself as the picture of emotional health, they're going to overreact. Although they said they wouldn't do so, the wording of the paperwork they made me sign says that if it's noticed that I'm in a bad emotional or mental state, they can send me home. Which may seem like they're concerned about me, and that's the story they're sticking to, but it's a nasty cycle they've started. If I'm already emotionally on edge because of grief counseling, knowing that I have to be on guard and hide that at work will just stress me out more. Which makes it more likely that I'm going to break and do or say something or act in a way that will get me sent home. For my own benefit, of course.
Except for the benefit of my paycheque. And the fact that I won't have a choice in the matter. And the fact that their actions are blatantly discriminatory.
But it stresses me out even further.
On another stressful note, I had my abdominal ultrasound yesterday. Turns out that my uterus is, in the words of the technician, "bulky." She said that likely means it's fibroid tissue building up, not that it's cancer. I didn't think that cancer was a real option, honestly, seeing as how the problems have been getting worse for about 3 years now and if it was cancer, I'd probably be in far worse shape than I am. But fibroid tissue is bad enough. Especially if there's enough of it to make the whole thing look too large. Granted, the Internet isn't always the best place to do medical research, but from what I've seen, most women have uterine fibroids at some point in their lives, and most of those don't actually experience symptoms. Those who do can sometimes have it controlled by hormone therapy. Or possibly removing the fibroid tissue.
But when what I was reading said that, it mentioned "removing fibroids." Again, I wonder if there's such a buildup of fibroid tissue that the whole uterus looks wrong, then is that really an option?
I don't know. And I know it's pointless to worry about it now, that somebody has to read the images and then send recommendations to my doctor, and then my doctor has to follow-up, but once again I dread, dread it being something that will keep me out of work.
Which stresses me out. Rinse and repeat.
Fuck, I wish I had a job that could be done from home. The work may be the same, but at least I wouldn't have to go in and face a bunch of people while pretending all this stuff isn't weighing on my mind. I could do it all while comfortably alone, less pressure on me, no having to put on a smiling mask and act like it's all fine just to avoid making other people uncomfortable and getting sent home.
I know it's unlikely, but damn, do I ever worry about it. I know that logically, they don't want to send me home. Sending me home would mean absenteeism, and if the problem of absenteeism only affected an employee's paycheque, then people wouldn't get fired over it. It means more work for everyone else, and the centre's stats look bad, which means the client gets concerned, and it's a big spiralling piece of crap.
Yesterday was just so stressful that I really wish for another day off, just to recover my equilibrium a little. One thing at a time, I could handle. But two in one day just threw me right off, and my stomach's in knots, and I just want to do something stress-relieving like fighting the hordes of darkness in a video game, or embroidering something and getting lost in the repetitive motions.
No choice, though. Have to just put on my brave face and move forward, and hope that I can get through things without incident.
I'm still carrying around a lot of baggage where work is concerned. Even though they've been leaving me alone for a while, I still worry that unless I present myself as the picture of emotional health, they're going to overreact. Although they said they wouldn't do so, the wording of the paperwork they made me sign says that if it's noticed that I'm in a bad emotional or mental state, they can send me home. Which may seem like they're concerned about me, and that's the story they're sticking to, but it's a nasty cycle they've started. If I'm already emotionally on edge because of grief counseling, knowing that I have to be on guard and hide that at work will just stress me out more. Which makes it more likely that I'm going to break and do or say something or act in a way that will get me sent home. For my own benefit, of course.
Except for the benefit of my paycheque. And the fact that I won't have a choice in the matter. And the fact that their actions are blatantly discriminatory.
But it stresses me out even further.
On another stressful note, I had my abdominal ultrasound yesterday. Turns out that my uterus is, in the words of the technician, "bulky." She said that likely means it's fibroid tissue building up, not that it's cancer. I didn't think that cancer was a real option, honestly, seeing as how the problems have been getting worse for about 3 years now and if it was cancer, I'd probably be in far worse shape than I am. But fibroid tissue is bad enough. Especially if there's enough of it to make the whole thing look too large. Granted, the Internet isn't always the best place to do medical research, but from what I've seen, most women have uterine fibroids at some point in their lives, and most of those don't actually experience symptoms. Those who do can sometimes have it controlled by hormone therapy. Or possibly removing the fibroid tissue.
But when what I was reading said that, it mentioned "removing fibroids." Again, I wonder if there's such a buildup of fibroid tissue that the whole uterus looks wrong, then is that really an option?
I don't know. And I know it's pointless to worry about it now, that somebody has to read the images and then send recommendations to my doctor, and then my doctor has to follow-up, but once again I dread, dread it being something that will keep me out of work.
Which stresses me out. Rinse and repeat.
Fuck, I wish I had a job that could be done from home. The work may be the same, but at least I wouldn't have to go in and face a bunch of people while pretending all this stuff isn't weighing on my mind. I could do it all while comfortably alone, less pressure on me, no having to put on a smiling mask and act like it's all fine just to avoid making other people uncomfortable and getting sent home.
I know it's unlikely, but damn, do I ever worry about it. I know that logically, they don't want to send me home. Sending me home would mean absenteeism, and if the problem of absenteeism only affected an employee's paycheque, then people wouldn't get fired over it. It means more work for everyone else, and the centre's stats look bad, which means the client gets concerned, and it's a big spiralling piece of crap.
Yesterday was just so stressful that I really wish for another day off, just to recover my equilibrium a little. One thing at a time, I could handle. But two in one day just threw me right off, and my stomach's in knots, and I just want to do something stress-relieving like fighting the hordes of darkness in a video game, or embroidering something and getting lost in the repetitive motions.
No choice, though. Have to just put on my brave face and move forward, and hope that I can get through things without incident.
