It's hard some days, especially when health stuff gets me down. But I try, and little by little I'm getting better.

For example, after last week's incident of nearly blacking out after walking up a flight of stairs, I've made an effort to start taking care of myself again. I'm still not able to eat too much in a day, and my appetite still hasn't completely returned, but little by little I'm getting better. I'm drinking an Ensure every morning whether or not I have breakfast (most often, I don't), and I'm usually fitting in a meal and a half to two meals a day now, with a little snack in between. Progress! I still feel ready to fall asleep at about 5 in the afternoon (especially a pain at work, when my shift runs to 8:30), but it's getting a little better every day.

I'm on my third week of bleeding... but I do have my follow-up appointment in 2 weeks, so I can talk to Dr. Satya then about it. I figured I'd still bleed for a couple of days once I stopped the sugar pills and started taking the actual desogestrel again, but nope, I'm practically back to the next line of suga pills and it hasn't let up yet. I don't know if it's just going to take an extraordinarily long time to even out, or if we're going to have to look at other options. But what I'm doing isn't cutting it right now, and that worries me. I don't know what the steps between this and surgery are, and I think that's what worries me the most. Not knowing bugs me. If I knew what the next step was, what she might try next, I could mentally prepare myself. Instead, it's just another 2 weeks of wondering and not knowing and hoping that whatever it is, it works.

It's odd, though... I think it was last January when I was bleeding for 6 weeks straight, and a really really long bleed didn't happen again until almost exactly one year later. I don't know if that's a giant coincidence or if it's significant. And if it is significant, what on earth could it mean?

But again, positive side sneaking through, I just have to wait another 2 weeks until my appointment, and then I can discuss the next step, whatever that may be.

I'm strongly considering applying to the New Brunswick College of Craft and design in a couple of years. I say a couple of years because that's when my roommate will be done school and can take some of the financial pressure of me, so I can afford to go and can have the time to do so. I'm really interested in their fibre arts and ceramics courses. I do want to go back to school, and I confess that one of the biggest reasons was to get any random diploma so that I could be qualified (at least on paper) to teach English in Japan. But realistically, 4 years of school and a heaping pile of debt just to get contract jobs isn't so appealing when I look at it that way. It's something I'd still like to do, but I don't know how feasible it really is.

But if I'm going to go to school for 4 years, then I could do both fibre arts and ceramics and come out with the skills to make some pretty awesome stuff. And with that much financial pressure off my shoulders, I might actually be able to get by with selling what I create. Right now I can and do many some things by hand, and love doing so, but I'm largely self-taught and lack a lot of equipment and know-how to really advance from my current position. NBCCD could fix that.

And if I still want to experience Japan, I can always do homestay programs. :p Or go for extended stays to learn some traditional crafts there, even, since legally I can stay in the country for 90 days without needing any sort of visa. So of all the options I've considered, that one actually seems the most feasible, the least expensive, and one of the most fun. So I'm strongly leaning in that direction.

Shame I can't even afford to apply for another 2 years.

But even that's still better that how things used to be for me. I'd come up with plans that I could afford to do... if I had about twice the money and spare time. Which I never did. I'd tell myself that if I saved diligently, I could afford to go to school for one or two classes in a year. And then things would happen where I couldn't afford to save the money, or else I'd have the money but couldn't actually get the schedules sorted out at work to allow me to do anything like that. It was depressing, and frustrating.

But with my roommate in the second semester of a 2.5 year lab tech program, and knowing that lab techs here gets paid about $45k a year (about twice what I'm making now, in a job that pays $4 an hour more than minimum wage), and once he's making that money he's already said that he'll cover all the financial stuff because there's no sense in me working my ass off then. I pay the rent and bills now, while he's in school, and when he's pulling in more money he can take that responsibility, and so the only thing I need to work for is if I want money of my own, to spend on what I want. He's already said he'd even be willing to help me get through school if I want, once he's got that well-paying job.

So I'm busting my butt to keep the finances stable so he can get through school without worry, and then in a couple of years it can be my turn. It's within reach, if I can just keep up with things until he's done.

See? Positive thinking! It's a long way off yet, and I really ought to be focused more on getting my health in order (and I am), but it's nice to know that if I'm diligent for a little longer, there really is an end in sight. Not just me telling myself that there might be an end, someday, somehow.

But now I have to get ready for work. It's raining a little, and it'll be raining harder tonight, but so long as it's not too bad I'll try walking uptown after my shift. Enjoy the warmer weather before it all freezes again, and get some strength back in my body!

September 2015

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