Never-ending
Jul. 26th, 2012 10:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lighterthanairSometimes it seems like I'm moving two steps forward and one step back. That means I'm making progress, yes, but it's slow, and it feels so easy to slide backward and to feel like no progress has been made at all.
The other night, I had a call at work that upset me. A customer seemed perfectly nice and agreeable for the first five minutes, and then spent the following 15 minutes belittling me and being rude. Telling me that I was being "insultingly polite", that he's been a customer for longer than I've been alive so we should make our policies better, all that usual entitled shit that people think they can pull and get away with. And normally this would just wash over me and I'd get on with my life without problem.
But it got to me. When a person spends 15 minutes heaping abuse on you, it hurts. When you can't fight back, it hurts even more. He nearly reduced me to tears on that call without ever swearing at me or calling me names, but demeaning me just the same.
I had overtime the next day. That morning, I started crying at the thought of going in. I wouldn't have to deal with the abusive customer. I wouldn't even have to deal with the site manager or HR, whom I've started calling my watchdogs. But the thought of going into work and smiling and pretending all was right with the world was just too much, and I couldn't do it. I felt like I used to feel years ago, when the only reason I would walk out my front door was because I had no choice, because the alternative was worse, because people were counting on me to not let things show and to just suck it up and keep going through things no matter how much I was hurting.
I called in and said that I wouldn't be going in for my overtime that day. I lied and said I was stuck at a delayed doctor's appointment.
I felt better as soon as I'd done so. I could take the day off and get myself in check. Take some time and just deal with relaxation before I forced myself back into a bad position again. Sometimes doing the right thing involves doing the wrong thing.
I need to find a better job. I need to file that complaint with the Human Rights Commission. This job used to be so good, and it still has its perks, but ever since my mental health hit rock bottom and I've had to claw my way back up, I've been discriminated against there and made to feel afraid of showing that I'm in anything but the best emotional state. Which puts pressure on me and makes me feel worse. Cycles back down again, and little things start getting to me more. I need to find a way out.
Doesn't help that my physical health isn't exactly much better than it used to be, either. I thought my messed-up periods were due to my thyroid levels. At once point, I bled for 6 weeks without ceasing. Lately I've been bleeding through the highest absorbancy tampon quickly, sometimes in as little as 15 minutes. It's disruptive, and worrying.
I had an appointment with my doctor, and the results of my blood test came back to show that nope, my thyroid levels were normal again. Which was good, but now that explanation for my periods had gone out the window. Now he thinks I may have PCOS, and I'm scheduled for an ultrasound in September to take a look and see what's going on with my insides. PCOS would explain that, plus a few other things that have been going on, and I know it's manageable, but it does mean yet another thing wrong with me that I have to consider in my every day life. I already take 2 pills and 2 inhalers each day, and that's just the prescribed stuff. If you include the decongestants that I often need, well, I'm usually taking 6 pills and 2 inhalers each day. Not the worst it could be, but will I need to add more medications if I have PCOS?
And if it's not PCOS, what are the other options for what's causing my bleeding problems? I can't imagine that any of them are cheerier to hear about.
So it just seems lately that as much as some things are improving, other things are getting harder. Balance is a hard thing to achieve, especially when new problems keep cropping up all over the place.
I need to go back to looking for a new job. If I get rid of the current work problems, that might make other things a bit easier to handle.
The other night, I had a call at work that upset me. A customer seemed perfectly nice and agreeable for the first five minutes, and then spent the following 15 minutes belittling me and being rude. Telling me that I was being "insultingly polite", that he's been a customer for longer than I've been alive so we should make our policies better, all that usual entitled shit that people think they can pull and get away with. And normally this would just wash over me and I'd get on with my life without problem.
But it got to me. When a person spends 15 minutes heaping abuse on you, it hurts. When you can't fight back, it hurts even more. He nearly reduced me to tears on that call without ever swearing at me or calling me names, but demeaning me just the same.
I had overtime the next day. That morning, I started crying at the thought of going in. I wouldn't have to deal with the abusive customer. I wouldn't even have to deal with the site manager or HR, whom I've started calling my watchdogs. But the thought of going into work and smiling and pretending all was right with the world was just too much, and I couldn't do it. I felt like I used to feel years ago, when the only reason I would walk out my front door was because I had no choice, because the alternative was worse, because people were counting on me to not let things show and to just suck it up and keep going through things no matter how much I was hurting.
I called in and said that I wouldn't be going in for my overtime that day. I lied and said I was stuck at a delayed doctor's appointment.
I felt better as soon as I'd done so. I could take the day off and get myself in check. Take some time and just deal with relaxation before I forced myself back into a bad position again. Sometimes doing the right thing involves doing the wrong thing.
I need to find a better job. I need to file that complaint with the Human Rights Commission. This job used to be so good, and it still has its perks, but ever since my mental health hit rock bottom and I've had to claw my way back up, I've been discriminated against there and made to feel afraid of showing that I'm in anything but the best emotional state. Which puts pressure on me and makes me feel worse. Cycles back down again, and little things start getting to me more. I need to find a way out.
Doesn't help that my physical health isn't exactly much better than it used to be, either. I thought my messed-up periods were due to my thyroid levels. At once point, I bled for 6 weeks without ceasing. Lately I've been bleeding through the highest absorbancy tampon quickly, sometimes in as little as 15 minutes. It's disruptive, and worrying.
I had an appointment with my doctor, and the results of my blood test came back to show that nope, my thyroid levels were normal again. Which was good, but now that explanation for my periods had gone out the window. Now he thinks I may have PCOS, and I'm scheduled for an ultrasound in September to take a look and see what's going on with my insides. PCOS would explain that, plus a few other things that have been going on, and I know it's manageable, but it does mean yet another thing wrong with me that I have to consider in my every day life. I already take 2 pills and 2 inhalers each day, and that's just the prescribed stuff. If you include the decongestants that I often need, well, I'm usually taking 6 pills and 2 inhalers each day. Not the worst it could be, but will I need to add more medications if I have PCOS?
And if it's not PCOS, what are the other options for what's causing my bleeding problems? I can't imagine that any of them are cheerier to hear about.
So it just seems lately that as much as some things are improving, other things are getting harder. Balance is a hard thing to achieve, especially when new problems keep cropping up all over the place.
I need to go back to looking for a new job. If I get rid of the current work problems, that might make other things a bit easier to handle.
