![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Damn nerves
Jun. 21st, 2013 09:02 amToday I have an appointment with Dr. S, and I've been dreading it all week. I've learned to pre-emptively dread seeing her, after this whole experience, and today I'm in knots over it because I have to do the fun thing of convincing her that I'm not ready to go back to work yet.
Why am I not ready? Well, because I had the fun of trying to heal from surgery while battling anemia that's as bad as it's ever been, all at the same time. Funny enough, low hemoglobin can affect your ability to be healthy! This may have slipped her mind at some point when she released me from the hosital with hemoglobin levels 10 points below what she claimed they were. So still I can walk for about 15 minutes at a time, slowly, before feeling sore and tired. Two short (7 minutes or less) bus rides combined with that 15 minutes of walking to get groceries pretty much leaves me unable to do much for the rest of the day, and depending on the weather (wet or humid weather makes me hurt even more), possibly the day after.
So there's no conceivable way that I can go back to work right now and actually get through things. Getting there requires a 20 minute bus ride, followed by either another 4 minute bus ride or else a 10 minute walk at my normal pace, which may take me half an hour now. Then 8.5 hours of working. Then either a half hour walk uptown at my normal pace (which may take me over an hour now, if I don't collapse first) followed by another 15 minute bus ride home, or if I'm lucky enough to get off work early, 2 15 minute bus rides in a row.
Hahahaha no.
There's no way I can do it. If I could teleport from here to work and spend the entire 8.5 hours working at my own pace and being able to sit or lie down as I pleased, then teleport home again, maybe I could handle it at this point. But I can't. I still need naps in the afternoon, especially if I've already gone somewhere that day (eg, to get groceries). It hurts to roll over in my sleep, which usually wakes me up, so I'm not sleeping well either. I can get by without painkillers if I have to, but it's not fun, and even taking the painkillers is no guarantee. I'm a lot better than I was, but I'm not ready to start a full-time workload again, and full-time's pretty much my only option. I've been gone long enough that they'll likely stick me back into training again, which means I have to do a full 8.5 hours, and can't start off at 4 hours a day or something much more tolerable.
Again, though, that doesn't solve the problem of the bus rides causing me pain and fatigue.
So I expect to have to argue with her to get another few weeks off. Outside, I'm healing fine. The scar from the incision isn't a large as I dreaded, the infection I had cleared up (left another scar, though...), and have more colour in my cheeks than I've had in a while. But I've been trying to heal from 2 things at once and that's not easy. Given that she's the doctor who subtly blamed me for letting the anemia get out of control and ignored the fact that it was happening in the first place, I don't expect much sympathy from her over this.
Hence the nerves. Stress. I don't like it. I can't wait for the appointment to be over.
In a pinch, if she refuses to give me more time off, I can go to my family doctor and ask him. He's okay with handing out sick notes like they're going out of style, provided he gets paid his $20 fee for them first. And no matter what happens, I'm filing a report against Dr. S, regarding her abysmal treatment of me since I started seeing her, and her negligence which allowed the problem to get seriously out of hand in the first place. No matter what she does today, that's happening. I'm still too pissed at her idiocy to let it all slide. She needs to be held accountable, not just for letting things go too far but also for repeatedly giving me poor health care advice that, had I followed it, could have seriously damaged me. There's no excuse for how this all happened, and I at least want it on the record.
And hopefully I can find a new doctor to do any additional follow-ups with, because Dr. S wants scans later on to see if the tumour permanently damaged my fallopian tubes, which she suspects it did. Funny how her insistance on saving my reproductive capability might have actually led her to destroying it in the end anyway. I don't care, since I don't want kids anyway and never have, but I would sincerely love to rub the irony of it all in her face. While dealing with a competant doctor.
Ugh, I rant too much about all this crazy health stuff. I'm so tired of it. I want it to be over, and I want to be healthy again. I know that the surgery was the right decision to get me healthy again, and even 2 days after it, when I was still in pain and standing up nearly caused me to pass out, I didn't regret doing it because I knew it was what I needed. If I can get over this hurdle, and not be one of the 15-30% of people who have a recurrence, I can start living life properly again. I can do things without having to count my spoons. I can lose weight, and take up photography again, and go for walks, and cook, and all the stuff that's had to be put on hold because I just can't handle it.
Can't wait for that day!
Why am I not ready? Well, because I had the fun of trying to heal from surgery while battling anemia that's as bad as it's ever been, all at the same time. Funny enough, low hemoglobin can affect your ability to be healthy! This may have slipped her mind at some point when she released me from the hosital with hemoglobin levels 10 points below what she claimed they were. So still I can walk for about 15 minutes at a time, slowly, before feeling sore and tired. Two short (7 minutes or less) bus rides combined with that 15 minutes of walking to get groceries pretty much leaves me unable to do much for the rest of the day, and depending on the weather (wet or humid weather makes me hurt even more), possibly the day after.
So there's no conceivable way that I can go back to work right now and actually get through things. Getting there requires a 20 minute bus ride, followed by either another 4 minute bus ride or else a 10 minute walk at my normal pace, which may take me half an hour now. Then 8.5 hours of working. Then either a half hour walk uptown at my normal pace (which may take me over an hour now, if I don't collapse first) followed by another 15 minute bus ride home, or if I'm lucky enough to get off work early, 2 15 minute bus rides in a row.
Hahahaha no.
There's no way I can do it. If I could teleport from here to work and spend the entire 8.5 hours working at my own pace and being able to sit or lie down as I pleased, then teleport home again, maybe I could handle it at this point. But I can't. I still need naps in the afternoon, especially if I've already gone somewhere that day (eg, to get groceries). It hurts to roll over in my sleep, which usually wakes me up, so I'm not sleeping well either. I can get by without painkillers if I have to, but it's not fun, and even taking the painkillers is no guarantee. I'm a lot better than I was, but I'm not ready to start a full-time workload again, and full-time's pretty much my only option. I've been gone long enough that they'll likely stick me back into training again, which means I have to do a full 8.5 hours, and can't start off at 4 hours a day or something much more tolerable.
Again, though, that doesn't solve the problem of the bus rides causing me pain and fatigue.
So I expect to have to argue with her to get another few weeks off. Outside, I'm healing fine. The scar from the incision isn't a large as I dreaded, the infection I had cleared up (left another scar, though...), and have more colour in my cheeks than I've had in a while. But I've been trying to heal from 2 things at once and that's not easy. Given that she's the doctor who subtly blamed me for letting the anemia get out of control and ignored the fact that it was happening in the first place, I don't expect much sympathy from her over this.
Hence the nerves. Stress. I don't like it. I can't wait for the appointment to be over.
In a pinch, if she refuses to give me more time off, I can go to my family doctor and ask him. He's okay with handing out sick notes like they're going out of style, provided he gets paid his $20 fee for them first. And no matter what happens, I'm filing a report against Dr. S, regarding her abysmal treatment of me since I started seeing her, and her negligence which allowed the problem to get seriously out of hand in the first place. No matter what she does today, that's happening. I'm still too pissed at her idiocy to let it all slide. She needs to be held accountable, not just for letting things go too far but also for repeatedly giving me poor health care advice that, had I followed it, could have seriously damaged me. There's no excuse for how this all happened, and I at least want it on the record.
And hopefully I can find a new doctor to do any additional follow-ups with, because Dr. S wants scans later on to see if the tumour permanently damaged my fallopian tubes, which she suspects it did. Funny how her insistance on saving my reproductive capability might have actually led her to destroying it in the end anyway. I don't care, since I don't want kids anyway and never have, but I would sincerely love to rub the irony of it all in her face. While dealing with a competant doctor.
Ugh, I rant too much about all this crazy health stuff. I'm so tired of it. I want it to be over, and I want to be healthy again. I know that the surgery was the right decision to get me healthy again, and even 2 days after it, when I was still in pain and standing up nearly caused me to pass out, I didn't regret doing it because I knew it was what I needed. If I can get over this hurdle, and not be one of the 15-30% of people who have a recurrence, I can start living life properly again. I can do things without having to count my spoons. I can lose weight, and take up photography again, and go for walks, and cook, and all the stuff that's had to be put on hold because I just can't handle it.
Can't wait for that day!