![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Opposition
Nov. 18th, 2012 10:23 amI'm having another one of those "this isn't my body" moments. Or not so much moments as days, since this feeling came on me yesterday and really hasn't left since. I don't know if it was because of me listening to some new music, or just one of those times when it hits me harder than normal, but I really don't want to be stuck in this body right now.
When this happens, I know exactly what body I should be in. It's a body that's not fat or female. It's androgynous with a leaning toward pretty-boy, without definable sex. It moves smoothly and doesn't hurt and lets me express myself physically without looking stupid or like somebody trying to be who she isn't, and can't be. But those last things are really just icing on the cake. The cake itself, that's the androgynous body that I wish I could be living in.
I'll never physically reflect my mental body, even a little bit. Not without more money than I can ever hope to make. Even if I lost weight and got down to an ideal weight, I'd need cosmetic surgery to remove my breasts, and I can't afford that. And probably never will. And because I don't have the luxury of being a female who identifies as begin male, I can't even begin to get help for that. I've often envied people who identify that way. They go through a lot of shit, yes, but at least people are starting to recognize that their gender and sex don't have to match up, and there are places they can go for assistance.
For a female who identifies as agendered? Or anybody who identifies as agendered? Let's just say that while this society is slowly coming to grips with more fluid expressions of gender, it's still largely stuck in the binary state. One thing or the other. No third options. No alternate checkbox on a form. At best, I might be able to get counseling to help me discover and love myself.
What then, if I've discovered myself and know that the self I am inside in no way matches the outside? Can I actually still love being who I'm not?
I tell myself that in a lot of ways, it doesn't matter. I know, and that's enough. And online, nobody knows what I look like. If I tell people what I want to look like, without pictures of me they don't know if that's the truth or not. It's a bit freeing. More than a bit! Here, on a site that exists solely for a person to express themself, I am who I say I am.
Even if the physical world doesn't quite agree.
Part of me wishes I didn't feel this way at all. It would be one thing to just hate the body I'm in. I could just say I don't like that I'm fat, or female, or any of the other things wrong with myself. But to know what my mind wants me to look like, what it tells me I ought to look like... That's got to me some kind of torture. It's like holding food up before a hungry person and telling them that they'll never get to eat it.
That doesn't mean I'm not going to work toward being who I want to be, and expressing what I want to express. It just means that there are going to be days, like today, when it all hits me harder than others.
(At least I have a good icon to go with this post now. That's something to be happy about.)
When this happens, I know exactly what body I should be in. It's a body that's not fat or female. It's androgynous with a leaning toward pretty-boy, without definable sex. It moves smoothly and doesn't hurt and lets me express myself physically without looking stupid or like somebody trying to be who she isn't, and can't be. But those last things are really just icing on the cake. The cake itself, that's the androgynous body that I wish I could be living in.
I'll never physically reflect my mental body, even a little bit. Not without more money than I can ever hope to make. Even if I lost weight and got down to an ideal weight, I'd need cosmetic surgery to remove my breasts, and I can't afford that. And probably never will. And because I don't have the luxury of being a female who identifies as begin male, I can't even begin to get help for that. I've often envied people who identify that way. They go through a lot of shit, yes, but at least people are starting to recognize that their gender and sex don't have to match up, and there are places they can go for assistance.
For a female who identifies as agendered? Or anybody who identifies as agendered? Let's just say that while this society is slowly coming to grips with more fluid expressions of gender, it's still largely stuck in the binary state. One thing or the other. No third options. No alternate checkbox on a form. At best, I might be able to get counseling to help me discover and love myself.
What then, if I've discovered myself and know that the self I am inside in no way matches the outside? Can I actually still love being who I'm not?
I tell myself that in a lot of ways, it doesn't matter. I know, and that's enough. And online, nobody knows what I look like. If I tell people what I want to look like, without pictures of me they don't know if that's the truth or not. It's a bit freeing. More than a bit! Here, on a site that exists solely for a person to express themself, I am who I say I am.
Even if the physical world doesn't quite agree.
Part of me wishes I didn't feel this way at all. It would be one thing to just hate the body I'm in. I could just say I don't like that I'm fat, or female, or any of the other things wrong with myself. But to know what my mind wants me to look like, what it tells me I ought to look like... That's got to me some kind of torture. It's like holding food up before a hungry person and telling them that they'll never get to eat it.
That doesn't mean I'm not going to work toward being who I want to be, and expressing what I want to express. It just means that there are going to be days, like today, when it all hits me harder than others.
(At least I have a good icon to go with this post now. That's something to be happy about.)
