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Looking forward to the next couple of weeks at work. This week, I've got a 4-hour training session (which cuts wonderfully into my 6.5 hour shift), tomorrow is a team meeting, and Friday has a visit from one of the properties, and they're bringing pizza for everyone. Next week, I have Tuesday off (during which I shall cook food for a Samhain feast), and Wednesday will bring an all-day off-the-phone training session during which lunch will be provided. Got a bad way to spend a couple of weeks, really, with extra time off the phone and a couple of free meals.
Not looking forward to the announcement of next period's shifts, though. Because of the time I missed, I was really low on the bid rankings, meaning that there's almost no chance of getting a decent shift. And by "decent shift", I mean something that will allow me to get off work early enough to avoid me having to walk home for an hour shortly before midnight for a while two months in cold weather. I could try and put money aside to get a cab home at night, but that would cost me $40 a week, and that's not exactly pocket change. I can hope that somebody will be able to offer me a drive home, but I'm not counting on it. Likely I'll end up walking. Which, from experience, is likely to make me sick because my lungs don't like the cold and I get stressed out from having to walk home by myself at close to midnight. I've done it before, at another job. It's not fun.
Still no call from the specialist my doctor's supposed to refer me to. I wish I knew how long it would be. Right now, I'm playing the waiting game as much as I did before finding out about the tumour, except that now I have the knowledge that there's a tumour to stress me out further. I don't even know when the call's going to come to give me an appointment. If I just knew that, I think it would be easier to deal with. Am I going to be waiting a month before the call, to wait another month before the appointment? Am I going to get a call tomorrow and be told, "Come in next week?" Just having a date would be comforting, because then I could have an idea in my mind as to when I can really start dealing with this. Knowing is great, and I'd rather know than not know, but, well, that's just it. I know one thing. Now I'm stuck in another loop of not-knowing. Just about a different thing.
It's frustrating.
I'm trying to focus on positive things. Like the coming two weeks at work. Or the fact that I've manage to get more reading done lately. Or that I'm making good progress in Pokemon Black2. But in the back of my mind, there's that stupid nagging voice that keeps reminding me about how much I don't know and can't do.
That's why it's bothering me more than it ought to, I think. I know, logically, that the tumour is benign and that it can be treated and life can improve and I'm not going to die from it or anything like that. I know all that. And even if it beats the odds and does turn out to be cancerous, there are plenty of treatment options. Logically, there's no reason to worry this much. But I do, because I don't feel any further along than before I learned about it. I'm still sitting and waiting for somebody else to take the next step, and I don't even know how long that's going to take. I think that's what really bothering me about it. But because it's so tied in with everything else, I keep going, "OMG, TUMOUR, WTF?!" The tumour's only part of the problem. It's like having a leaky pipe and needing to wait for a plumber. I'm angry that my pipe is leaking, sure, but what I'm even more angry at is the fact that the plumber hasn't returned my call to tell me when he'll be by to fix it. And in the meantime, I have to deal with the leaky pipe for an indeterminate amount of time, and I don't know if it'll get worse or if I need to tell work that I'll be late because the plumber need to be let in, and there's nothing I can do but wait. And waiting doesn't fix that pipe.
There. I think I stretched that metaphor out long enough. But it pretty accurately encompasses how I feel about it. If I just knew when I'd get the doctor's appointment, I'd still have to live with the effects of the tumour, but at least I could feel a little more in control by making plans, telling work I'd be late that day, knowing that I just have to hang on for another x days, x-1 days, x-2, and so on.
I think I've rambled about this enough for now. I'm going to enjoy my last half hour before work by curling up on the couch with kitties and reading a bit more of Courtney Schafer's The Tainted City. I need more Dev and Kiran love!
Not looking forward to the announcement of next period's shifts, though. Because of the time I missed, I was really low on the bid rankings, meaning that there's almost no chance of getting a decent shift. And by "decent shift", I mean something that will allow me to get off work early enough to avoid me having to walk home for an hour shortly before midnight for a while two months in cold weather. I could try and put money aside to get a cab home at night, but that would cost me $40 a week, and that's not exactly pocket change. I can hope that somebody will be able to offer me a drive home, but I'm not counting on it. Likely I'll end up walking. Which, from experience, is likely to make me sick because my lungs don't like the cold and I get stressed out from having to walk home by myself at close to midnight. I've done it before, at another job. It's not fun.
Still no call from the specialist my doctor's supposed to refer me to. I wish I knew how long it would be. Right now, I'm playing the waiting game as much as I did before finding out about the tumour, except that now I have the knowledge that there's a tumour to stress me out further. I don't even know when the call's going to come to give me an appointment. If I just knew that, I think it would be easier to deal with. Am I going to be waiting a month before the call, to wait another month before the appointment? Am I going to get a call tomorrow and be told, "Come in next week?" Just having a date would be comforting, because then I could have an idea in my mind as to when I can really start dealing with this. Knowing is great, and I'd rather know than not know, but, well, that's just it. I know one thing. Now I'm stuck in another loop of not-knowing. Just about a different thing.
It's frustrating.
I'm trying to focus on positive things. Like the coming two weeks at work. Or the fact that I've manage to get more reading done lately. Or that I'm making good progress in Pokemon Black2. But in the back of my mind, there's that stupid nagging voice that keeps reminding me about how much I don't know and can't do.
That's why it's bothering me more than it ought to, I think. I know, logically, that the tumour is benign and that it can be treated and life can improve and I'm not going to die from it or anything like that. I know all that. And even if it beats the odds and does turn out to be cancerous, there are plenty of treatment options. Logically, there's no reason to worry this much. But I do, because I don't feel any further along than before I learned about it. I'm still sitting and waiting for somebody else to take the next step, and I don't even know how long that's going to take. I think that's what really bothering me about it. But because it's so tied in with everything else, I keep going, "OMG, TUMOUR, WTF?!" The tumour's only part of the problem. It's like having a leaky pipe and needing to wait for a plumber. I'm angry that my pipe is leaking, sure, but what I'm even more angry at is the fact that the plumber hasn't returned my call to tell me when he'll be by to fix it. And in the meantime, I have to deal with the leaky pipe for an indeterminate amount of time, and I don't know if it'll get worse or if I need to tell work that I'll be late because the plumber need to be let in, and there's nothing I can do but wait. And waiting doesn't fix that pipe.
There. I think I stretched that metaphor out long enough. But it pretty accurately encompasses how I feel about it. If I just knew when I'd get the doctor's appointment, I'd still have to live with the effects of the tumour, but at least I could feel a little more in control by making plans, telling work I'd be late that day, knowing that I just have to hang on for another x days, x-1 days, x-2, and so on.
I think I've rambled about this enough for now. I'm going to enjoy my last half hour before work by curling up on the couch with kitties and reading a bit more of Courtney Schafer's The Tainted City. I need more Dev and Kiran love!
