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lighterthanair) wrote2012-09-13 07:48 pm
lighterthanair) wrote2012-09-13 07:48 pm
Improving myself as I go
Know what I miss? I miss spending days doing little but playing video games or reading, with no responsibilities to draw me away from the enjoyment of those pursuits. I miss knowing that I was walking for 3-6 miles a day in order to get done all that I needed to do. I miss cooking meals and feeling proud of having cooked them.
In short, I kind of miss being unemployed and poor. But not really. It's complicated.
I miss what being unemployed and poor had to teach me. I spent days playing video games and reading because I didn't have TV at the time (couldn't afford it) and after browsing the job bank and sending out resumes, there wasn't too much else to do. I often couldn't afford a bus pass, and so I had to walk everywhere, and since I had a pedometer, I'd often come back from my walks to get groceries or drop off a resume and discover that wow, I actually walked for 5 miles that day! Being short of money forced me to really stretch my imagination when it came to food, and to learn how to cook good meals from very little for the first time in my life, and I used to really enjoy days spent in the kitchen.
It's not that I want to be unemployed and broke again. I'm also happy being comfortably well off. I like the security of knowing that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be able to go and earn money to keep a roof over my head and to put food in my belly and keep paying off my debt.
But I also miss the flexibility that such an inflexible lifestyle gave me. The enforced creativity I had to learn in order to make life not only bearable, but actually happy. Strange as it may sound, I look back on that time and realize that I have neither before nor since felt so spiritually fulfilled as I did when I had so very little.
I want to try to get back to that feeling as much as I can. I know there are some things that will just be impossible, though. Having to work 42.5 hours a week, I can't spend days at a time just reading books nonstop, or playing video games, because I have to go to work. I have an unlimited bus pass, so there are going to be many times I'll end up taking the bus because I can, rather than having to walk.
But there are consessions that I can make, and I can start doing things that will only benefit me in the end. For one thing, I need to set a budget, and stick to it. Rent and bills are pretty much a fixed amount, and only the cost of groceries really fluctuates, so I can make myself stick to a certain grocery budget each month. This will be much easier to do if I actually plan my grocery shopping in advance, making lists of what to buy based on what's on sale rather than just waiting until I get to the store and seeing what looks tasty.
And to walk more, I'll get a new battery for my pedometer and walk to the grocery store and get a bus back, instead of getting a bus both ways. That way I get more exercise. Which I know from experience makes me appreciate good food all the more! And the pedometer will let me keep track of how far I walk and give me a sense of pride in my accomplishments, one that I can see immediately. Instant gratification has always worked well for me.
I will allow myself $20 a paycheque to play around with as I like, to buy a meal, or some craft supplies, or a book, or whatever. The rest of the money gets put into savings. If I need the money, it's there. If I don't, it keeps getting saved up. There's no downside to that, really. And $20 every 2 weeks may not seem like a lot of personal spending money, but that's kind of the point. I don't want to think that I have so much at my disposal, because when I do, I've already learned that I start to take it for granted.
And I'll make a point of cooking at least one meal a week. And by 'meal', I actually mean something that will get me through multiple meals. A pot of soup or chili, a pie, something like that. I miss taking pride in my cooking, and I miss learning new recipe.
So bearing all that in mind, this Sunday, I am going to make a ham-cheese-and-spinache quiche, because it sounds delicious and ham was on sale at the grocery store. On Monday, I will walk to the grocery store and buy beans, let them soak that night, and then on Tuesday make baked beans with leftover ham in them. Honestly, those two things alone will probably provide enough leftovers to keep me going for half a week, and I have no qualms about eating leftovers at work. Some people can't bring themselves to let others know they eat leftovers. Not sure why, but everyone's got their hangups, I guess.
I think that being more restrictive with my life and my money will ultimately benefit me. If nothing else, I'll relearn some old skills and end up with some money in savings for the first time ever. Even if it isn't much, it'll be something.
Wonder how long I can keep this going before I first fall off the wagon. I don't mean to sound pessimistic there. I just know it will happen. But as my psychiatrist says, mastery only comes after a series of failures and successes. With each failure, so long as I learn from it, then it wasn't a wasted experience, and I can deal with that. But I'll try to stay on the wagon for as long as possible.
In short, I kind of miss being unemployed and poor. But not really. It's complicated.
I miss what being unemployed and poor had to teach me. I spent days playing video games and reading because I didn't have TV at the time (couldn't afford it) and after browsing the job bank and sending out resumes, there wasn't too much else to do. I often couldn't afford a bus pass, and so I had to walk everywhere, and since I had a pedometer, I'd often come back from my walks to get groceries or drop off a resume and discover that wow, I actually walked for 5 miles that day! Being short of money forced me to really stretch my imagination when it came to food, and to learn how to cook good meals from very little for the first time in my life, and I used to really enjoy days spent in the kitchen.
It's not that I want to be unemployed and broke again. I'm also happy being comfortably well off. I like the security of knowing that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be able to go and earn money to keep a roof over my head and to put food in my belly and keep paying off my debt.
But I also miss the flexibility that such an inflexible lifestyle gave me. The enforced creativity I had to learn in order to make life not only bearable, but actually happy. Strange as it may sound, I look back on that time and realize that I have neither before nor since felt so spiritually fulfilled as I did when I had so very little.
I want to try to get back to that feeling as much as I can. I know there are some things that will just be impossible, though. Having to work 42.5 hours a week, I can't spend days at a time just reading books nonstop, or playing video games, because I have to go to work. I have an unlimited bus pass, so there are going to be many times I'll end up taking the bus because I can, rather than having to walk.
But there are consessions that I can make, and I can start doing things that will only benefit me in the end. For one thing, I need to set a budget, and stick to it. Rent and bills are pretty much a fixed amount, and only the cost of groceries really fluctuates, so I can make myself stick to a certain grocery budget each month. This will be much easier to do if I actually plan my grocery shopping in advance, making lists of what to buy based on what's on sale rather than just waiting until I get to the store and seeing what looks tasty.
And to walk more, I'll get a new battery for my pedometer and walk to the grocery store and get a bus back, instead of getting a bus both ways. That way I get more exercise. Which I know from experience makes me appreciate good food all the more! And the pedometer will let me keep track of how far I walk and give me a sense of pride in my accomplishments, one that I can see immediately. Instant gratification has always worked well for me.
I will allow myself $20 a paycheque to play around with as I like, to buy a meal, or some craft supplies, or a book, or whatever. The rest of the money gets put into savings. If I need the money, it's there. If I don't, it keeps getting saved up. There's no downside to that, really. And $20 every 2 weeks may not seem like a lot of personal spending money, but that's kind of the point. I don't want to think that I have so much at my disposal, because when I do, I've already learned that I start to take it for granted.
And I'll make a point of cooking at least one meal a week. And by 'meal', I actually mean something that will get me through multiple meals. A pot of soup or chili, a pie, something like that. I miss taking pride in my cooking, and I miss learning new recipe.
So bearing all that in mind, this Sunday, I am going to make a ham-cheese-and-spinache quiche, because it sounds delicious and ham was on sale at the grocery store. On Monday, I will walk to the grocery store and buy beans, let them soak that night, and then on Tuesday make baked beans with leftover ham in them. Honestly, those two things alone will probably provide enough leftovers to keep me going for half a week, and I have no qualms about eating leftovers at work. Some people can't bring themselves to let others know they eat leftovers. Not sure why, but everyone's got their hangups, I guess.
I think that being more restrictive with my life and my money will ultimately benefit me. If nothing else, I'll relearn some old skills and end up with some money in savings for the first time ever. Even if it isn't much, it'll be something.
Wonder how long I can keep this going before I first fall off the wagon. I don't mean to sound pessimistic there. I just know it will happen. But as my psychiatrist says, mastery only comes after a series of failures and successes. With each failure, so long as I learn from it, then it wasn't a wasted experience, and I can deal with that. But I'll try to stay on the wagon for as long as possible.