And stuff!

Apr. 29th, 2013 11:08 am
lighterthanair: (for your entertainment)
~ Camera finally died yesterday. Well, the battery died, anyway, and I still can't find the charger, so for all intents and purposes, it's dead. I'm still holding out some hope that I can find the charger with at least a few days to spare before the surgery, so that I can take advantage of the nice weather and get some more good pictures of the new plant growth that's exploding everywhere. I managed to get a couple of good pictures yesterday before the camera death: Chestnut Bud and Poplar Catkins. Took more pictures than that but these were the best ones of the bunch.

Still in need of a new and better camera, though, since this one's got lousy zoom focus and has this weird little dark smudge that I can't seem to get rid of no matter what I do...

~ Today's review on Bibliotropic is A M Dellamonica's Indigo Springs, which is an awesome book with quality magical realism. And also certain characters who remind me disturbingly of people I knew in high school. It made it a bit of an uncomfortable book to get through at times, seeing an old friend reflected in a character who goes mad with magical power and starts a cult in which she is the central goddess... Yeah, the people we meet in our lives, huh?

~ Got 3 more reviews and one post about what females in geekdom are and aren't allowed to do, all scheduled to last Bibliotropic for content until I go away for surgery. Well, I say scheduled, but I haven't actually written them yet. That will come tomorrow.

~ Still need to badger people about guest posts for the time I'll be gone, too...

~ Blood test tomorrow, the last I'll be getting before the surgery. This is good, because it's just a simple CBC and they'll only need one vial, which makes for a happy me because I am really getting tired of people sticking needles in my arms. At least I can have 2 weeks after tomorrow before it'll need to happen again!

~ Catching up on some episodes of Fringe lately while level-grinding in SMT: Devil Survivor. In spite of being a hard-hitter, Thor just can't seem to stay alive for a full battle anymore, so getting experience on him to go up levels is a slow chore. Thankfully experience is awarded each time I defeat an enemy and not just at the end of the whole battle, so I can at least get a little bit of experience before he croaks entirely. Small mercies.

~ Going to spend more of today catching up on some reading. I fell behind in my reading goals again, but at least not so far behind as I was, and I don't know how much reading I'm going to be able to handle while I'm recovering (people tell me I should expect to sleep a lot, especially for the first little while I'm home), so I want to get done what I can while I can, and hopefully meet me goals for the end of the year.

~ Looks like after a week of being back on the double-dosage, the bleeding is finally starting to really calm down. Still there, but not as bad as it was last week, and I feel a lot more comfortable because of it. Yay!
Back to work today. Of course, after 2 nights of lousy sleep, so I'm freaking exhausted. -_- I hope I can make it through my whole shift, but at this point, if I can't then they can just deal. They know I'm going through stuff, they know I'm waiting for surgery, and they can just suffer through the fact that sometimes I'm not going to be able to handle my whole shift until I'm stable again. Hopefully the pills I'm on will start stablizing me soon so that I can cut down on the days I need off, but we'll see.

Having a lot of fun playing around with photography again. I started up a DeviantArt account for them. Not much there at the moment (about 15 pictures), but it's a start. I'd have more, I don't doubt, but my camera's battery died and I can't find the charger, so no more photos for me until I find it.

I had fun last night and this morning playing with the newest photo there, though. Desaturating all the colours and then slowly but surely putting them back in for the flowers, leaving the background drab and grey. I like the effect, and I suspect that once my camera is recharged, there's going to be a whole series of pictures like this! it's fiddly work but it's worth it.

Over halfway finished Nnedi Okorafor's Who Fears Death, and for the times I haven't been able to carry around a physical book, I started reading Karen Lord's The Best of All Possible Worlds. Devouring both, and I wish I didn't have so many things distracting me from returning to both of them. Preferably at the same time. Because I'm a little bookslut, apparently. Bookhussy? Polybiblios?

Bleh, I'd be sorely tempted to go back to bed for a nap if it wasn't for the fact that I need to start getting ready for work in half an hour anyway. keep your fingers crossed, guys, that I can make it through my shift today and that I start feeling better. Honestly, I really can't afford to not go every chance I get between now and the surgery, so it's not like I can even try to convince my doctor to just put me off again...
It's hard some days, especially when health stuff gets me down. But I try, and little by little I'm getting better.

For example, after last week's incident of nearly blacking out after walking up a flight of stairs, I've made an effort to start taking care of myself again. I'm still not able to eat too much in a day, and my appetite still hasn't completely returned, but little by little I'm getting better. I'm drinking an Ensure every morning whether or not I have breakfast (most often, I don't), and I'm usually fitting in a meal and a half to two meals a day now, with a little snack in between. Progress! I still feel ready to fall asleep at about 5 in the afternoon (especially a pain at work, when my shift runs to 8:30), but it's getting a little better every day.

I'm on my third week of bleeding... but I do have my follow-up appointment in 2 weeks, so I can talk to Dr. Satya then about it. I figured I'd still bleed for a couple of days once I stopped the sugar pills and started taking the actual desogestrel again, but nope, I'm practically back to the next line of suga pills and it hasn't let up yet. I don't know if it's just going to take an extraordinarily long time to even out, or if we're going to have to look at other options. But what I'm doing isn't cutting it right now, and that worries me. I don't know what the steps between this and surgery are, and I think that's what worries me the most. Not knowing bugs me. If I knew what the next step was, what she might try next, I could mentally prepare myself. Instead, it's just another 2 weeks of wondering and not knowing and hoping that whatever it is, it works.

It's odd, though... I think it was last January when I was bleeding for 6 weeks straight, and a really really long bleed didn't happen again until almost exactly one year later. I don't know if that's a giant coincidence or if it's significant. And if it is significant, what on earth could it mean?

But again, positive side sneaking through, I just have to wait another 2 weeks until my appointment, and then I can discuss the next step, whatever that may be.

I'm strongly considering applying to the New Brunswick College of Craft and design in a couple of years. I say a couple of years because that's when my roommate will be done school and can take some of the financial pressure of me, so I can afford to go and can have the time to do so. I'm really interested in their fibre arts and ceramics courses. I do want to go back to school, and I confess that one of the biggest reasons was to get any random diploma so that I could be qualified (at least on paper) to teach English in Japan. But realistically, 4 years of school and a heaping pile of debt just to get contract jobs isn't so appealing when I look at it that way. It's something I'd still like to do, but I don't know how feasible it really is.

But if I'm going to go to school for 4 years, then I could do both fibre arts and ceramics and come out with the skills to make some pretty awesome stuff. And with that much financial pressure off my shoulders, I might actually be able to get by with selling what I create. Right now I can and do many some things by hand, and love doing so, but I'm largely self-taught and lack a lot of equipment and know-how to really advance from my current position. NBCCD could fix that.

And if I still want to experience Japan, I can always do homestay programs. :p Or go for extended stays to learn some traditional crafts there, even, since legally I can stay in the country for 90 days without needing any sort of visa. So of all the options I've considered, that one actually seems the most feasible, the least expensive, and one of the most fun. So I'm strongly leaning in that direction.

Shame I can't even afford to apply for another 2 years.

But even that's still better that how things used to be for me. I'd come up with plans that I could afford to do... if I had about twice the money and spare time. Which I never did. I'd tell myself that if I saved diligently, I could afford to go to school for one or two classes in a year. And then things would happen where I couldn't afford to save the money, or else I'd have the money but couldn't actually get the schedules sorted out at work to allow me to do anything like that. It was depressing, and frustrating.

But with my roommate in the second semester of a 2.5 year lab tech program, and knowing that lab techs here gets paid about $45k a year (about twice what I'm making now, in a job that pays $4 an hour more than minimum wage), and once he's making that money he's already said that he'll cover all the financial stuff because there's no sense in me working my ass off then. I pay the rent and bills now, while he's in school, and when he's pulling in more money he can take that responsibility, and so the only thing I need to work for is if I want money of my own, to spend on what I want. He's already said he'd even be willing to help me get through school if I want, once he's got that well-paying job.

So I'm busting my butt to keep the finances stable so he can get through school without worry, and then in a couple of years it can be my turn. It's within reach, if I can just keep up with things until he's done.

See? Positive thinking! It's a long way off yet, and I really ought to be focused more on getting my health in order (and I am), but it's nice to know that if I'm diligent for a little longer, there really is an end in sight. Not just me telling myself that there might be an end, someday, somehow.

But now I have to get ready for work. It's raining a little, and it'll be raining harder tonight, but so long as it's not too bad I'll try walking uptown after my shift. Enjoy the warmer weather before it all freezes again, and get some strength back in my body!
lighterthanair: (reflection)
I can't tell you how much it feels like the whole world has shifted beneath my feet over this past week. And unlike how I normally feel about it, this time it's positive.

First off, I should say that I have an appointment with the specialist doctor next Monday. I'm surprised I didn't end up waiting longer than I did, but maybe the situation warranted quicker attention. I don't know. But maybe next Monday I can start taking real steps to getting this tumour out of me and out of my life.

Second, I drank more cola yesterday than normal. Now, normally I avoid much cola because too much caffeine causes my heart to do annoyingly weird things, like go kind of fluttery (best way I can think of to describe it). But I was really tired yesterday after not having slept well for a while, so I took a chance and drank some. I drank about the equivalent of maybe a can and a half, but I really felt the caffeine hit.

And I felt good! Not buzzed or running high or anything like that. But I felt like I actually had energy for once! I felt inspired, happy, like I was able to do things and like the day wasn't so long and hard after all. I could laugh, because I didn't feel so worn down. I felt amazing, and I wondered if this is what normal people feel. If that's the kind of energy that a person is supposed to have. Just living isn't supposed to wear a person down so much. They're supposed to have the ability to sing and laugh and enjoy themselves, right? That's the sort of thing haven't been able to do in years.

So feeling that made me really understand what I've been missing for so long. And I want to feel it more, and not just because I drank a bottle of Pepsi. I feel more motivated than ever to get healthy, to get fit, to stop letting things fall by the wayside. I know I'll never have the kind of body outside that I have in my mind, but that doesn't mean I have to have a body I'm so ashamed of. I can do better. And I will.

And through a series of circumstances that I don't quite feel like going into the details of here (kind of embarrassed, because it's more fangirly than I've been in a long time; hey, one step at a time, right?), I'm tired of letting everything fall by the wayside. I have art and music in me, and I've been keeping too much of it inside for years because I'm too afraid of rejection and failure to ever let them out. I don't want that anymore. Thanks to therapy I've gotten more used to the idea that I don't have to hide behind the mask all the time, but I hadn't quite taken that a step further and allowed myself to take risks. Not crazy risks like climbing the side of buildings because Spiderman's awesome. But risks like putting some of my music out there, or my art, or really seriously working toward publication. I've got talents. And too much of my life has been spent proudashamed of them, so that I love them but am terrified of really letting other people see them.

I'm tired of wasting myself. I'm tired of selling myself short. If I don't take risks, I don't get anywhere. I sit at home in my good-girl persona and don't actually do anything to make myself happy.

No more hiding.

Think of what could be if you rewrite the role you play.

I changed my journal name. Lighter than air. Because it's how I feel right now, that these ideas have formed and taken root in ways that I don't think they ever really did before. Not that I'm going to change my journal name whenever my mood changes ($15 is a lot of money to spend on a passing fancy like that), but I think that the reminder will be good for me. I know how I want to feel. I know what I have to do to feel it.

Here's to today. And to all the tomorrows I know I'm going to love.

September 2015

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