[personal profile] lighterthanair
Today, in a nutshell, sucked.

Nothing particularly bad happened. Not to me, anyway. (All talk about shooting a few cities away aside...) But as the day wore on I felt increasingly frustrated and useless and worthless, and knowing that one more day was drawing to a close and that it was one less day to the end of the month when my money really starts to be squeezed if I haven't found a new job yet... I wanted to scream, and cry, and generally not exist.

I went out. I got junk food. I'm sitting here and eating ketchup chips and trying to ignore the fact that I don't really need to be eat junk food, but I needed something to cheer me up and nothing else was doing the trick.

I still feel like crap. I didn't sleep well last night despite taking something to try and help with that, so I'm tired on top of being stressed and upset and angry, and I suspect I'm going to need to take something to sleep at all tonight again, and I don't want to because I was doing so well at not needing chemical help to get a good night's sleep.

Thanks a lot, ex-workplace, for undoing months of mental health work in a single BS action.

I think, as much as I want to spend a lot of my free time reading, I should probably make sure I spend 6 hours of each day doing something particularly productive, so that I can feel less useless during this time. Whether that involves me cooking stuff (which will happen when I pick up some groceries on Friday), or sewing, or embroidery, or packing boxes of books, or something, so long as I can stand back after a few hours and look at something that wasn't there before and go, "Look, see, I did something, and it was worth my time." Just so that I don't feel so idle, and so I can see like I actually worked.

Even if it isn't paying work.

And even if I do that for 6 hours a day, that will still leave 2.5 hours that I would have previously been at work that are now freed up so that I can still get more reading done, too.

The problem with having a wide open schedule is that it seems great at first glance, like you've got time to do a zillion and one things and it doesn't really matter when anything gets done, but it quickly grows stale, and the only person who can keep you to any sort of schedule is you, and that's not easy. I have no pressing motivation to keep to a schedule other than the fact that I think it might help me cope better, but hey, no worries if it doesn't work out, because it's not like anything else is going on right now.

That attitude leads to days like today. Days that are filled with impotent anger at an unjust situation, and end up feeling wasted and pointless.

But I'm not going to angst about it more tonight. I'm going to drink my tea, and eat the rest of these ketchup chips, and read some more, and then go to bed when my eyes can't stay open any longer, and hope that I get something resembling a decent night of sleep. Fingers crossed.
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September 2015

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