lighterthanair: (tell me about it)
[personal profile] lighterthanair
Not a great pain day today. It's not too bad, not so bad that I need to take the heavy painkillers, but enough that I'm far from comfortable.

So, it's a makeup day.

I view makeup in a bit of a weird way. Most people would look at my female body and just write off makeup as this ting that females do. And I hate that. Honestly, part of this is why I want to work toward a more androgynous body, because then the makeup will give me the kind of effect I really want it to have. The colours will be worth paying attention to, because hey, it's someone other than a female wearing makeup.

I'm not very good at expressing that desire.

Anyway, the reason that today is a makeup day is because when I feel crappy, when the pain is getting to me and my health feels like it's nowhere near where it ought to be, sometimes the biggest thing that keeps me pushing through the day is being able to look in the mirror and see a bit of glitter, some colour I like, something shiny that catches my eye, and in catching my eye reminds me that the reason I'm wearing it is for strength, and so I feel stronger.

It's the mask I choose to wear, instead of a mask I'm forced to wear. It's exhausting, trying to pretend that you don't feel as bad as you do, putting on the mask of happiness and normality. So when I put on a mask of my choosing, I feel like I'm able to still be myself behind the mask, and it takes some of the pressure off. I don't have to act like it's a normal day, because it isn't. I did something different. See the colours around my eyes, see the glitter? This is different. So I can act a little different, and rest a little easier knowing that the mask comes off when I want it to.

I don't know what it is, either, but either the pain or the makeup wakes up creativity in me. Especially when it comes to music. On bad pain days, I want to sing, and I do sing when I can, because it gets out a lot of frustration. Out it goes, breathed out and riding on powerful music to go as far from me as I can push it. And then I write music, because lyrics and tunes just don't stop making stops in my head. And I swear this is all before I've taken the fun painkillers that make me think I'm thinking especially profound thoughts (I'm usually not). I want to just stay home and scribble out lyrics and work on the music behind them. It's why I'm collecting a small notebook filled with snatches of songs, and those pages are getting filled pretty quickly.

I also want to spend that time sewing, specifically sewing modifications to clothes I already have and making new clothes that I want. I guess pain has a funny way of making you want to be a dfferent person, even if that difference is just on the outside.

Really do need to get sewing on those bandages to wrap around my chest...
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